


Dream Lovers

by Sionna_Raven



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-27
Updated: 2012-11-28
Packaged: 2017-10-31 19:46:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 35,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/347726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sionna_Raven/pseuds/Sionna_Raven
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Towards end of OotP: Remus loves Sirius. Sirius loves somebody else. A certain someone who has made it abundantly clear many years ago that this is Sirius' problem. Can kindness and gratitude heal broken hearts? Or will the fire of love destroy everything?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Told from alternating POV's. Not Lupin-friendly.  
> Warning: Angst; romance; despair; sexual content, canon character death in later chapter

_~Remus~_

_I've helped him up the stairs and out of his clothes. He's drunk like he is so often nowadays. He pushes the pyjamas away. “Thanks Remus.” is all he mutters, before he slumps on the bed, grabs the blanket and curls around it like he's holding a lover in his arms. The lover I've wished to be since we were 16 and I discovered that I prefer men. He never noticed. Why should he?_

 

_I should leave now, let him sleep. But I linger watching him. There's a strand of his hair tickling his nose. I brush it out of his face. Is he comfortable? Shouldn't I pull the cover over his naked body? Are there more excuses I can find to stay, to touch him? Maybe I should guard his sleep, so he doesn't have a nightmare again._

 

_He's smiling in his dream. Who is he thinking of? Not me!_

 

_I feel filthy, a pervert. My friend needs someone to care for him, not someone who wants to...._

_Even now, pale and gaunt, with all the scars he won't talk about, I want him._

_In his childlike innocence he lets me take care of himself and I abuse his trust. I watch him, taking in every detail which I can remember, when I'm alone in my room. The feel of his skin, the curves of his muscles, still firm and smooth, muscles and bones. Padfoot's genes he calls it. A good hound doesn't go slack. I even stole a kiss, holding him in my arms after he screamed in the terror of a nightmare._

 

_He'd killed me, if he knew. But maybe not, maybe Lily was right and he is attracted to men. She encouraged me to give it a try, but I couldn't bring myself to risk our friendship, before it was too late._

 

_Sirius has turned to his back. Don't look! He's obviously having a pleasant dream. His hands wander over his body and he moans. Is he still asleep? He touches his cock. I need to get out of here, before he wakes. He moans and whispers._

 

“Please. Please touch me.”

 

_I know he's not talking to me. He is not aware I'm watching. I bite my fist to keep me from doing his bidding. Get out now! I stand up and need to get hold of the bed post. Sirius hand flies up and grabs my wrist. Seeker's reflexes after all those years._

 

“Don't go! Please stay with me. Please.....”

 

_He must be awake. He knows. His eyes are still shut. He hasn't been that drunk tonight. Nobody can hold that fast in his sleep. He pulls me down on the bed._

_My head on his chest, my lips close to his skin, my hand on his cock; he lets go._

 

“Please touch me. Do it!”

 

_I move my hand. He's arching up against it. I close my fingers around his cock. He moans. He is awake! He is!_

 

_I'm not; I'm dreaming, doing all the things I wanted to do for years. He lets me do whatever I want. Lying on his back unmoving, only moaning in pleasure. I cover his body with gentle kisses, explore with my hands. His breathing gets faster, but then he suddenly pleads again. I don't know what for. I sit up. He is still sleeping, dreaming and he begs the one he's dreaming of to do something. I should leave him to his dream lover._

 

“...stop teasing.........can't bear it anymore.....you know what I need....please....” , _he's nearly sobbing._

 

“Anything, my love, I'll do anything.” _I whisper gently caressing his face._

 

“Remus!?!” _Sirius' eyes are wide open._ “What? What happened?”

 

_He looks like a whipped puppy, so scared, so vulnerable._

 

“It's all right. You have been dreaming. I heard you call.”

 

“I'm sorry I forgot to cast a Silencing charm. Did I...? Have I said... something?” _,he asks._

 

“I couldn't understand anything clearly.” _I lie._ “You called for James.”

 

“For James???” _He sighs in relief. My answer seems to have eased his fears. He covers himself._ “I'm really sorry to have disturbed you. You don't need to come running every time I have a nightmare.” _He smiles apologetically._ “Thanks anyway for waking me.”

 

“You'll be all right now?”

 

“Yes, sure. It was just a dream.”

 

_Just a dream, nothing more. Sirius, brightest star of the night sky, forever beyond my reach._

 

 

_~Sirius~_

 

_Remus has stayed overnight. I've heard him move in one of the guest rooms. He thinks I've called for James. He cannot know, he must not know the truth. He has been so kind and understanding. James, straight as can be and happily married and worse he's been dead for nearly 15 years. The truth is even more pathetic. I love the man who hates me more than anyone else. The man who has never loved me, shagged me, because I was available and willing....because he loved the idea that I lied to James to be with him._

_Severus blames me for Lily's death. He's right it was my arrogance that killed them. His best friend, the only one he ever cared for and my best friend who never knew that I sneaked out of the dormitory at night to throw myself into the arms of his worst enemy._

 

“It was fun, Black, as long as it lasted. Now it's over. I won't throw away my future for your admittedly nice and tight arse. “

“Lucius Malfoy has arranged an apprenticeship for me at St. Mungo. Run away together, you must be mad. “

“You love me? Well, I suppose that's your problem.”

 

_I stood there, frozen, feeling like every single word cut my heart to slices. I wanted to hate him. I actually convinced myself I did. I will always love him. There was only hatred in his eyes when we met again. He cannot forgive me. I wanted to hurt him like he has hurt me._

_St. Mungo, his future career? He rushed to join the Death Eaters, when he left my flat that night. He couldn't afford continuing an affair with the renegade Black, the Bloodtraitor. I was slumped against the door, biting my fists, praying that he comes back. I still am. He won't. If he considered me a good fuck back then, there's not much left to tempt him._

 

_I get down to the kitchen. Kreacher keeps out of the way, so I decide to make breakfast for the two of us._

_When Remus comes down he looks like he hasn't slept much, but he smiles at my poor attempt to set a nice table. It feels good to be able to repay a bit of his kindness._

 

“You've outdone yourself, Sirius. It's been ages since I've had a so delicious breakfast.”

 

“I've burned the mushrooms.”

 

“I'd call them a bit crisp,” _Remus laughs happily._ “You still make an excellent tea.”

 

“I've passed my Potion NEWT.” _I did much to Slughorn's surprise with a solid E_. _'I've always known you could do it, Mr Black, if you only paid attention.' I did pay attention to Severus. It wasn't just sex. We did talk, we discussed magic. The way he explained the properties of different ingredients, the simple tricks to get better results.... I could have listened to him for hours. I would listen to the damn bastard reading a time-table. I need to stop thinking of him._

 

“Another cup?”

 

_Remus holds up his cup and saucer for me to fill. I fill my own, too and reach for the sugar bowl. Remus does the same. His hand on mine, a gentle touch, before he withdraws it like being stung._

_He doesn't meet my eyes._

 

“You first,” _I say as if nothing has happened._

 

“No, you first.”

 

_It happens again, my hand on top this time. We laugh. I wrestle the bowl out of Remus' hand and put two spoonful into his cup, three into mine._

_There's something strange about the way he looks at me. Did he..? Has he... heard more last night than he admitted?_

 

_It's Remus who breaks the silence at last._

 

“We should do this more often. Like we used to after Hogwarts, sit together, talk, have some nice take-away food. Listen to some old records.”

 

_Like we used to after Harry was born? When you came to my flat at least twice a week? When Dumbledore assigned you to keep an eye on the traitor? Has he given you the same task again? Keep an eye on the madman. I'm unfair. I only need to look at him to see that he offered it out of friendship. He probably thought he could prove my innocence, if he'd been with me when something happened. How naïve when the last descendant in a long line of Dark Wizards is concerned._

_Dumbledore knew I could have given Remus the slip any time and returned without him noticing._

_I will stay put. You've made it abundantly clear that I will get Harry in danger, if I leave and get caught. Or is it just that you need me to keep this house in check. Whatever Dumbledore's plans are, Remus has only good intentions. Maybe he's almost as lonely as I am._

 

“That sounds like a good idea. What about tonight? You bring the food and I search for my old records. My dear mum kept all the cardboard boxes from my flat. She probably didn't want to get contaminated with Muggles by touching them.”

 

_Remus looks very happy. No pity I hope._

 

_*_

 

_Mother really has kept everything the Ministry dropped at her doorstep. I wonder why she even accepted the delivery. There's a box filled with photographs and letters. Why haven't I thought of showing them to Harry when he was here? I put it aside. Not ready to face it._

_Here's the compact stereo changed to work without electricity. I take it all down to the drawing room. Let's try, if it still works. The record with the pink cover seems a good choice. Kreacher screeches louder than the Muggle singer until I sent him out. Mum's screams are almost well-mannered compared to the lyrics._

_Remus arrives at six carrying a bag with with Chinese food and four bottles of beer._

 

“Sirius, please! Turn it down! You can hear it on the square!”

 

_I laugh and do his bidding. He sighs in relief. It's just like it was in the old days. Remus never was too fond of punk music._

 

“Choose something more to your liking.”

 

_I've lit the fire in the drawing room and summoned large cushions. Lounging on the floor I reach for one of the bottles and notice his disapproving look. All right, food first. Remus hands me my share and tries to hide the bag quickly._

 

“We have wine for dinner. In that case I leave the beer for later.”

 

_I ignore Remus' desperate glance and summon glasses. He gives in. The food is good, especially since I've been relying on my own skills for a while. I don't trust Kreacher with the cooking._

_It's almost like the old days. Too much like the old days perhaps. Remus never could take more than a glass, but tonight he does. The plum wine is treacherously sweet. You don't notice its influence before it's too late. Remus stands up to change the record. There's a fold in the carpet when he returns. He stumbles; I try to catch him and we both roll over the floor._

_A warm, firm male body pressed against mine. Damned, I can't be that desperate! He's my friend! He notices and hastens to get his distance. I'm sorry. When I dare to look at him again, he seems to be even more embarrassed than I am. I wish I could think of a joke or something, but …._

_There's this look in his eyes again, the look from this morning._

_He drowns his glass. I guess he needs one after the shock. Remus suddenly shows unusual determination._

 

“Sirius, I think we should talk.”

 

 _Merlin please, don't be understanding. It shouldn't have happened. I'm losing my mind after all those years and Severus coming here every other day. I should tell him..._ “Remus, I...”

 

“For once in your life shut up and listen to me. I've got to tell you something, before I lose my nerve or get too drunk.” _He has another glass._

“Sirius, I...” _He takes a deep breath._ “Sirius, I've been in love with you ever since I can remember.”

 

_How many glasses did he have? How many did I have? What the hell is he talking about?_

 

“This wasn't your fault. It was mine. I did it on purpose. I needed to know. Lily said you like men, but I didn't believe her. You've always been with so many girls.” _Doing nearly nothing to be honest._

“I've even considered taking Polyjuice to ask you for a date, but I'm hopeless with potions and Lily wouldn't brew it without me telling her what for.”

 

_I wish I knew how to tell him. I don't want to hurt him after this. The truth now, before it gets even worse._

“Remus, yes, I like men, but you need to know something. There's somebody else. I will never stop loving him. Remus, it's not that I don't like you... but I can't... It's not fair. Not fair to you.”

 

“I'm not stupid. I know you don't love me. I can't take his place, but he won't come back.”

 

_I know he's not coming back. I bloody well know!_

 

“Sirius, we're both lonely. Why can't we just give each other a bit of comfort, a bit of warmth? If you give me a chance, give us a chance. It can work. We can make it work, if we try. Nobody's going to get hurt. After so many years you should accept that you haven't died with him. You are alive and you have a right to be alive. ”

 

_He has reached for my hand, but stopped himself taking it. He's looking so kind, pleading with me, while I'm still lying to him. He thinks I loved James. He is right Severus won't come back. I haven't died the day he left. A right to live? Trying to make it work? Trying to make Remus happy for all he's done for me? What am I thinking?_

 

“You're going to get hurt. I'm no good, not good enough for you. You deserve someone who loves you, someone kind and caring. I'm damaged goods.”

 

_Remus is finally touching my hand. I don't withdraw. Someone who cares, someone who loves me...._

_'You love me, Black? I suppose that's your problem.' A bit of warmth, a bit of comfort?_

 

“'I'm ready to take the risk. It can't get worse than it is. Sirius?”

 

_Ready to take the risk? I don't owe Severus anything. I owe Remus. It can't get worse than it is. I grab his hand and pull him over. Holding him, searching for his lips. It feels good. It is real. If I close my eyes, there isn't any difference._

_No, there is a difference! I open my eyes!_

_Kindness, hope, happiness, love. You deserve to be happy, Remus._

 

“I will be trying not to hurt you.”

 

“That's all I can ask for.”

 

_Remus has never asked for anything, never expected anything unless he gave first. He has given enough to deserve what he asks for. It's a poor way to repay genuine kindness. It's all I can give. My heart is still in the gutter where Severus kicked it. My soul frozen by the Dementors, but I still have a functioning body and the skills Severus taught me. I can make Remus happy, if that's what he wants._

 

_~Severus~_

 

_Walking down the path to the gates at night. Apparating to a meeting again. Which meeting? Does it matter? I'll shut down my true thoughts. I'll betray my friends and the other side hates me. I don't care. I tell myself I don't care. Nobody has ever liked me except Lily who I betrayed and ….._

_It's an Order meeting tonight. He will be there. Black! I wish I could hate him like he hates me. I did for many years. It made it easier. It made sense. Dumbledore wondered once or twice what could have turned Black against Potter. I knew. He had been ready to give up Potter before._

 

“Let's run away, Sev. Just leave everything behind, only the two of us. Forget about the bloody war. We can get Reg later, when he's finished school.”

 

_He was ready to leave his friends, the Order, everything he believed in for me. The only thing he wasn't ready to give up was my friend, his brother, Regulus. If he found out that it wasn't us – the Death Eaters who'd killed him. If he believed it was his own side, one of his friends...._

 

_I know now that he never found out. I see it in his eyes when he looks at me. He believes me capable of anything, without love or loyalty. I've made him believe that. We never had a chance. There was no future for us. We couldn't run away._

_Eight weeks was all we had. Eight weeks of secrets and lies, always afraid that his friends find out, that my friends find out._

_We were never caught. It was almost like a Fidelius Charm. The secret was unimaginable, the truth unthinkable._

_Unthinkable, it was and it wasn't. It just happened naturally, within a week, without drama or magic or fights. I had seen Black walking the corridors alone. Potter was with Lily. I was curious; I was wary. What was he up to? I watched him for a few days. He was going to an unused part of the castle. I checked the room when he was gone again. It looked like a teacher's office, the furniture was dusty and old, but it was a nice place. A pile of books on the desk, the fire still warm. Of course, Black wouldn't hide in a cold dungeon or a broom cupboard when he wanted time on his own. For him it had to be a well equipped study, candlelight and a comfortable armchair to read in peace. The books took me at surprise. I'd expected Quidditch or adventures of heroic Gryffindors, maybe a book about erotic spells. He certainly knew how to charm any girl._

_What I found was different, really advanced magic, theory of spell casting, even a book on potions. There was a notebook on the desk. I couldn't believe what I saw. Those comments were thoughtful. He had spotted errors and cross references which I myself only discovered the year before. There was an essay on how Golpalott's Law could be applied to the inherent protections on Hogwarts. I sat down and started reading._

 

_When the door opened again, I dropped the book. I had not expected him to return. He had not expected me to be there. We stared at each other wordlessly for minutes._

 

“Snape!”

 

_He didn't say anything else. He had not drawn his wand. He was too shocked._

 

“You overlooked the footnote which mentions Adalbert Waltham's comment on Impenetrable Barriers and Invisible Walls.”

 

 _It was an absurd thing to say with my enemy standing right in front of me. Even without a wand Black could have beaten the hell out of me. Instead he said:_ “Show me.”

 

_I should have told him that I don't take orders from him, but my mind was still occupied with putting the two impossible things together, the boy who wrote these notes and was now grabbing the book I mentioned to check the footnotes and the boy I knew who has made the last seven years of my life hell. They didn't go together. Black dropped leisurely on the rest of the chair I was sitting in. I was cornered._

 

“Which page?”

 

“215 or something.” _I decided that I accidentally had come in contact with a hallucinatory substance in Potion this morning and this wasn't really happening._

_Black's finger trailed over the pages until he found the paragraph I had been referring to._

_He read slowly, thought about it and nodded._

 

“Now it makes sense. Thank you, Severus.”

 

_Now I knew that it wasn't real. He had never called me by my first name before. Knowing that I only flinched slightly when he drew his wand. He grinned provocatively._

 

“Leave your hair on. I'm not going to hex you.”

 

_He simply transfigured the armchair into a two-seater and dropped onto it beside me._

 

_We spent hours discussing his essay and the books he had used to put it together. I still wondered who this thoughtful, clever boy was whose ideas of magic were so similar to mine, who understood my questions and objections without lengthy explanation. Suddenly he took out his watch._

 

“I've got to go. They'll come looking for me, if I'm late.”

 

_He looked like he'd rather stayed with me._

 

“Wait for a few minutes until you follow. Just in case they're already....”

 

_When I saw them at supper everything was normal again. Black and Potter at their best, making their arrogant show to entertain the Gryffindor table. What happened that afternoon had been a hallucination._

_I had to make sure, so I returned the other day. Black's books were gone. On the desk lay only another notebook and a piece of parchment._

 

“Severus,

I want to tell you I'm sorry about what happened two years ago. I didn't mean to get you in danger. Just wanted to scare you.

I'm sorry! I really am.

Sirius

 

P.S.: I've made a copy of my notes. Maybe you'd like to read more. Don't come here alone! James knows about this place.”

 

_'Don't come here alone' means 'come back' when I'm here. I had followed his directions once before and nearly died. I should not have listened to him again. But that was the boy who I saw with Potter not the one I had met in that office._

 

_I had come back when I saw Potter and Lily walk to the lake. Sirius was in the office, waiting, smiling shyly._

 

“I wasn't sure you'd....”

 

_We talked again sitting side by side in the armchair. The next time he had brought butterbeer and cheese crackers.He put his arm around me to show me something in the book. Our hands touched turning a page and none of us withdrew.He brought a folio too large to be placed on our laps. We lay side by side in front of the fire to skim through it. He brushed a strand out of my face saying he couldn't see the pages properly. The next thing I remember was his lips on mine, his tongue trying to enter my mouth. I pushed him back._

“What do you think you're doing, Black? Been through with everyone friendly now you're trying your luck with the enemy?”

 

_He looked sad like a whipped puppy._

 

“I thought.... I wanted... I thought you felt the same.”

 

_I felt the same, but he couldn't be serious about it, not with me._

 

“Tell Potter you've lost the bet! Sneaky, slimy Snivellus won't be a part of your collection!”

 

“Is that what you think of me? Why don't you tell your friends you've won the bet? You fooled me to believe there's a snake I could like.”

 

_He grabbed his stuff and was about to leave._

 

“What reason do I have to trust you?”

 

“What proof do you need? I've lied to James to be able to come here so often. Why have you come back? To get a chance for revenge when I start trusting you? All right, take your chance.”

 

_With that he threw his wand in my lap and stood there unmoving waiting for me to hex him._

 

“I'm not a noble and chivalrous Gryffindor.”

 

“Have I asked for pardon?”

 

_He still didn't move, when I raised my wand and pointed it at him. How far would he go with this charade?_

 

“Incarcerous!”

 

_He fell to the floor tied up with magic ropes. I cast a non-verbal spell on the door to keep his friends out._

 

“Now tell the truth, Black. What was the plan? Make little Snivelly fall in love with the wonderful Sirius Black and laugh your head off that I even dared to believe you really wanted to spent time with me?”

 

“Did you?”

 

“You're not in the position to ask questions. Answer mine!”

 

“There was no plan. You spied on me, remember? I was surprised at first to find you here. Then I thought Regulus might have been right about you. I liked our talks. I started to like you, all right? I'm an idiot. I've misunderstood it. Hex me and be done with it or call your snake friends to have a laugh.”

 

_Regulus, he said we were similar. He said we would never pretend to be nice, never say we like someone, if we don't._

 

“Sure and then you thought it might be a good idea to kiss me?” _I tried to mock him._

 

“Yes,” _was all he said._

 

“All right, let's try. On my terms.”

 

_I leant down and pressed my mouth on his. He didn't put up any resistance. He was pretty good at kissing. Had enough practice, hadn't he?_

_After a moment he pleaded to be released._

 

“Why should I? You don't seem to mind your position too much.”

 

_He didn't mind at all. He was hard as a rock._

 

“I undo the spell, if you behave yourself and say please and thank you.”

 

_Sirius took a minute to consider his options._

 

“All right, if that's what it takes to...”

 

“What it takes to ...?”

 

“What it takes to make you kiss me again.”

 

_He did behave himself. We didn't do much more than kissing that day. It actually took us three more dates to get to the point, when...._

 

“Just to let you know I'm not going to bottom.”

 

_Sirius looked confused. I had already suspected that he had not been with a boy before, but that was unexpected. It took him a moment to figure out what I had been talking of. Then he grinned._

 

“I guess you mean you'll be shagging me? That's fine, you probably have a lot more experience than I have.”

 

“It's not much different to girls. You just need to know the right spells for preparation.”

 

“Magical theory is not the problem. My father gave me 'the talk' when I was just thirteen. I meant experience in doing it.”

 

“Sure, great joke. You're the one who's been dating a different girl almost every other week since 4th year.”

 

“So what? Do you think I've been shagging them on the first date? What do you think I am? A stud dog?” _He smiled sheepishly._

 

“You certainly knew what to do so far.”

 

“Snogging, yes. A bit of slap and tickle.” _He twinkles mischievously._ “I'm a quick learner when I'm interested.”

 

_I suddenly remembered that Regulus always smirked when someone mentioned his brother's amorous adventures. “All is not what it looks like with my brother,” was the only explanation I could get out of him._

 

“I really hope you know what you're doing. You're not exactly tiny.” _He took my cock into his hand as if checking the size and stroked it gently. “_ I'm not a virgin, if that's what you think. I've just been selective, very selective.”

 

_I don't think I ever really understood Black. His Animagus form makes perfect sense, a huge puppy dog who when provoked would rip your throat without any remorse. If he likes you, he is loyal and affectionate, gentle and kind. He'd do anything for those he loves. If you get on his wrong side or he believes you threaten someone he cares for, he'll hate you with the same passion._

_To me he seemed like the fairy gift from old Muggle tales. You catch a star and one day you wake up and it's all turned to ashes._

 

_I turned it to ashes myself. It wasn't hard to guess that he had joined Dumbledore's group, the Order of the Phoenix. He never spoke about it, but there were rumours. The date when I would be taking the Mark was already set and worse Regulus would join the very same day. Sirius never asked. Perhaps he was afraid of the truth. Perhaps he knew and his suggestion to run away was the desperate attempt to escape the inevitable. Neither side would have accepted it,worse my side might have. There were moments when he whispered in my ear how much he loved me, I was tempted to tell him, to ask him, if he would stay with me. There were moments I believed he might have said 'yes'. To stay with me, to be reunited with Regulus, to be free of the need to be the perfect Gryffindor. I couldn't tell him. I couldn't lead him into darkness._

 

_I knew the only chance to keep him away was to make him hate me and I did. I saw it in his eyes when I said I never loved him. I told him it was fun to shag Potter's best friend. Sweetest revenge, sweeter even because it was enjoyable._

 

_Regulus died the following year. I overheard the Prophecy. The Dark Lord shared his secrets with me. He bragged about his trusted spy in the Order. There was no need to tell Dumbledore who I suspected._

 

_Ironic justice that Regulus followed me to his death and Sirius betrayed the only one I cared for - except him. I hated him with all the passion I loved him._

 

_I refused to believe that he was innocent when they tried to tell me. How could I face the fact that my reports helped to sent him to hell for twelve years? I had succeeded in making him hate me._

_He was half-mad two years ago. Since Dumbledore imprisoned him in his parents' house it has gone worse. Lupin cares for him. He loves him. I saw it in his mind. It drives me mad that Lupin is allowed to comfort my Sirius, while I am not._

 


	2. Chapter 2

_~Remus~_

_Sirius has pulled me into his arms. His hands rip off my clothes. He kisses me. It almost hurts. I don't care. It is a dream come true. All I have ever wished for. He presses against me so hard that I struggle for breath. It's rough. It's hasty. Sirius covers my body with hungry kisses taking possession of me. His hands fumble at my zips and his own. He has taken both of our cocks in his hand and strokes them. It's kind of clumsy and not at all what I expected from him, but he wants me not some dream and that's all that counts. It's over too quick. We both lie on the cushions panting. Sirius throws his arms around me._

_  
_

“It's been a while since I... I guess I need a bit more practise to refine my skills.”

 

_He has a way to look at you like a puppy who has just shredded your shoes. It always leaves me helpless and even more in love with him._

_  
_

“Do you think we could have another try in your bedroom? You deserve better than that.”

 

_He doesn't wait for my answer, grabs the beer and his clothes and steers me upstairs._

_  
_

_His memory of how to do it properly comes back in an instant once we lie on the bed. Again he surprises me, because now he's incredibly gentle and yes, skilled in a playful way. He plays with me, evoking feelings and sensations I never thought possible. He takes his time, so much time that I think I'm going insane, if he doesn't do it soon. I beg for it at last. He seems to be amused._

 

“On the first date? But Remus...” _he teases. There's a strange glitter in his eyes, when he says that. It's gone within the fragment of a second and he laughs. I missed his laughter for so long._

 

 _I blush._ “I didn't mean it like that. I just thought...”

 

“You just thought in times of war we could do away with old fashioned chivalry? We're old enough to know what we're doing, aren't we? It's not like I'm a danger to your treasured virginity or can get you with child. However that needs a bit of preparation.”

 

“Well, I.... There are spells for that. I thought you know.”

 

“Of course I know the spells. We want to do this right, don't we? A wand can only do so much. I have my standards. This is the Noble House of Black not some Nocturne Alley backroom. Excuse me for a minute.”

 

_Before I even have a chance to reply he has disappeared through the door. Right from our school days it has made my skin crawl when he was like that, arrogant old family pureblood. He usually tried to make us forget about it, but sometimes it just happened like now. He has his standards. I'm pretty sure that I can guess what he meant. It's only that I don't carry a jar of it in my pocket just in case I meet a wizard every few months - every other year more likely - who doesn't mind a quick shag with a werewolf. Not in Nocturne Alley backrooms whatever he thinks, but he wouldn't notice the difference. I have been right; he returns carrying a cut-crystal jar._

 

“I should thank my mum for not throwing away my stuff.”

 

“Is it still all right? After all those years?”

 

“Don't worry, it is. It is home-made, a special recipe. It would last another 100 years.”

 

_He puts the jar on the bedside table and turns his attention back to me. He smiles, but his long hair falls over his eyes. I raise my hand to brush it away. Sirius jerks his head and buries his face on my chest. He starts his incredible game of kissing and nibbling again. His hands seem to be everywhere. I feel the tickling sensation of a cleaning spell. Two cleaning spells, he casts them on both of us. Does he want me to...? It hasn't occurred to me before that he would even think of letting me...I mean he's Sirius; he's the top dog. Padfoot would not even growl at Moony, he just looked at me and I knew my place in the pack. He's just like he always was and he's different._

_It's like the other night when he said 'you know what I need' and I had no idea. Something is lost, lost since James died or lost in Azkaban. I wish I knew what he needs._

 

_He knows what I need, what I want and he gives it freely. There's something cold on my stomach, the jar. He dips two fingers in and grins._

 

“Take some, too. Giving each other comfort and warmth, wasn't it? What about a bit of pleasure?”

 

_A bit of pleasure? A bit? That special recipe is magic. It doesn't feel cold or wet or squishy and yet it lets his finger enter me without any discomfort. I follow his example and he pushes against it. I've never done anything like this before, doing it simultaneously. It's more than the necessary preparation, the stretching. It is giving each other pleasure and taking pleasure in what we do. Sirius has pulled me close. His lips touch mine. He nibbles at them. His tongue doesn't slip in between until it's met by my own. I can't tell anymore whether I'm following his movements or he's following mine. I can't tell how long it lasts or whether it is slow or passionate. The only thing I know is that Sirius is making love to me like I've never felt it before. I try to silence the voice in my mind which tells me: 'He is not making love to you, he does not love you.'_

 

_He loves a memory, but it's me who he kisses, me who he holds in his arms, me who he is going to fuck tonight. That is more than I could ever have hoped for._

 

_Sirius has felt me shiver. He stops and looks at me. His bright grey eyes have always been a startling contrast with his black hair. They are like the granite rocks on the shore of the lake at Hogwarts, impenetrable, unyielding, but never cold. The rocks were warm in the summer sun, warm and smooth. It was the best place to be in the last days of the school year, lying on those rocks, our eyes closed, dreaming of the future. In those moments Sirius was mine. James could not sit still and tried stupid things like luring the Giant Squid or making flat pebbles jump over the water without magic. In the very last days of our 7 th year James sat on the stones with Lily and Sirius was ….I just realize that I have no idea where he was._

 

_He is here now, with me and he has started tickling me on the nose with a strand of his hair. His smile is a tease, a challenge. He's waiting for me to say it._

 

“Sirius please, do it. Fuck me now.”

 

“At your service,” _he chuckles and reaches for the jar again. The act itself is short and intense, just the end to the best sex I've ever had. The best sex I will ever have most likely. I start kissing him when I finally stopped panting. Sirius lets his fingers run through my hair and holds me in his embrace like I am a child. I must look like a child to him in my enthusiasm. I've never been able to stand up to him, unlike James._

 

_Sirius has sat up on the edge of the bed. He leans down and kisses me._

 

“Are you going to leave?” _I ask anxiously._

 

“I'm not a good bedfellow, not used to company.”

 

_He tries to sound kindly, but I understand that he needs to be alone as much as he fears to disturb my sleep. I wish I could make him forget. Forget James and forget Azkaban, but I accept that he can't. One day perhaps..._

_I throw my arms around him and return his kiss._

 

“Sleep, Remus. You need your rest.”

 

*

_I get up first next morning. Sirius arrives at the kitchen when I put the kettle on._

 

“Good morning, Remus. Let's share the work. I look after the tea and you take care of the mushrooms?”

 

 _I try to remember when I last saw him without a hangover at breakfast. He has taken a shower, shaved and actually looked at the clothes he put on. He is trying like he promised, but it has taken him an effort. He can't hide the dark lines under his eyes which don't look at me or anything. He seems to be looking at something_ , _at someone I can't see. The teapot overflows, because he's not paying attention. He jumps to avoid the hot water dripping on the floor._

 

_The next days I spend in a dreamlike state. The bottles of fire-whiskey stay in the cupboards. We talk and laugh. If there weren't these moments when he just isn't there, I believed I could make him forget the past. In bed he's considerate and incredibly inventive._

 

_Each night he returns to his own room afterwards. I hear him ward his door and then there's silence. I feel locked out. When he agreed to share pleasure with me, he cut me off from his pains._

 

_Dumbledore has sent a message to have an Order meeting tonight. Sirius is getting nervous. We haven't spoken about what to tell the others. He flinches when I put my arm around him._

 

“You don't want anyone to know, do you? …. It's all right with me.”

 

_He pulls me close and presses a kiss on my forehead._

 

“I'm not ashamed, if that's what you're thinking. I don't want to ...”

 

“I remember 'no commitment, no thorns'. You haven't promised anything. We don't know, if it works. I don't need to be officially known as Sirius Black's boyfriend. It's between us.”

 

“It has nothing to do with you. It's just that I can't. I wish I could.”

 

_*_

_Sirius is very quiet during the meeting. He barely reacts to Severus' taunts about his unusual sobriety. He actually tries to ignore him completely. Severus turns to watch me instead. I'm sure he suspects something, but to my surprise he doesn't press the point._

_The meeting takes hours. It's long after midnight, when they finally leave_.

 

“Let's just go to bed. I'm dead tired.”

 

_Sirius looks at me questioningly, but he doesn't object._

_*_

_The next day he's cheerful and attentive as if nothing has happened. It's our last night before the full moon._

_  
_

_~Sirius~_

_I have to leave and I feel like a bastard for doing it._

_Don't lie to yourself, Sirius. You have chosen Remus' room to be able to leave afterwards._

_He believed the lie about not being used to sleep so close to somebody else._

_I remember what it feels like when your lover sneaks out like a thief in the middle of the night._

_I'm not Remus' lover I'm his whore and he doesn't even know it. Severus had a reason to treat me like that, more than one reason, but Remus doesn't deserve it._

 

_I keep a bottle of fire-whiskey under the bed. Enough to forget, but if Remus notices that I got drunk after I left him, he will be hurt. I have to keep that one promise. I will try not to hurt him._

 

_It's worse that it wasn't bad. I have enjoyed it. I can enjoy good sex without love and I don't mind to top. No, that's not true. I wouldn't bottom for anyone but Sev. I never did, but I miss it. Severus called me 'his little slut', because there was no denying how much I enjoyed it. I wouldn't mind to be Severus' whore, if he was willing to have me back._

 

_I have to admit that being with Remus and not drinking does me good. Making him feel good is a task I can concentrate on. I have something to do at last. Something enjoyable to do. Remus is kind of cute when he is happy._

_*_

_I don't know how I shall get through tonight's meeting. Severus is here. He makes some nasty remarks about me not being drunk. Molly scowls at him and Dumbledore frowns._

_I pretend to ignore him. Some part of me wants him to notice._

_Look, I do get along without you!_

_There is someone who loves me._

_I don't need you!_

_Lies I wish to be true. As if he cares! What if he finds out and doesn't care? Doesn't care at all, not even hurt pride._

_He gives up on me and sets his eyes on Remus. Don't you dare to hurt him. You know what happens, if you try._

_*_

_I'm glad that Remus offers me a way out, when the meeting is over. I cannot spend this night with him. It's like cheating. Not cheating on Severus, you can't cheat on someone who doesn't care. Cheating on Remus, cheating on myself._

 

_I've had other lovers after Severus left me, men and women. My reputation might have been a fake at Hogwarts, but I made up for it in those two years. Muggles mostly, I never needed magic tricks to get them. In those times it was just shared pleasures. They knew it was for one night only and they didn't mind. Their flats, not mine, I always wanted to be able to leave. No need to obliviate them. I doubt they remembered my name longer than I remembered theirs. The Muggle girls proudly told me that they were taking the pill. I don't really understand what this pill does, but like my father has taught me I took the necessary precautions. The magic is reliable. Neither Remus nor Harry have mentioned any Muggleborns with black hair and grey eyes._

 

_It's different with Remus. He knows my name. He loves me. I've once promised Lily never to get involved with someone who loves me. Not interested in breaking hearts! Now I'm doing exactly this with someone I really care for, though I don't love him._

 

_But deep inside I hear this voice whispering that I might have a chance making Severus jealous, hurt him by being with someone else, with Remus of all people. I thought he was a bit jealous of Remus at school. It was ridiculous. I had no idea that Remus loved me. I remember a few scathing remarks when I had spent the afternoon with Remus at the lake. It's wishful thinking and it's disgusting to even think of it. I've got to make it work with Remus. Severus is the past. Done with, better be forgotten. If I only could forget him!_

_*_

_I manage to act normal again the next day. I do my best to make Remus happy._

 

_He is gone now. Full moon tonight. I've offered him to stay. I've suggested that I lock us in and turn into Padfoot, but he refused. He doesn't trust Padfoot to be able to control the beast since Peter escaped._

 

_I sit in the kitchen and think of having a drink. I don't need it. It worked pretty well without, when Remus was here. It's just easier to stand the loneliness with a bit of liquid support. I am not going to do it! Remus won't be angry or something, if I did, but he will be so happy, if I don't. The damn elf has forgotten to stack the firewood again. He does it on purpose. I can go without a drink, but I need a fire._

 

_I go out to the backyard myself to get the wood. Kreacher will only make a mess of it and waste even more time to punish himself. I'm on my way back to the kitchen with several logs on my arm, when the doorbell shrieks and mother reminds me of her presence again._

 

_Company would be nice, perhaps it's Tonks or Kingsley or Dung.... no, better not Dung. I can't keep my resolution of not drinking with him around._

 

_I open the door. It's Severus! I drop the logs. They fall on his feet. Severus flinches. Has it hurt? I hope it has. He steps over the fallen logs smugly. I am not going down on my knees beside him to pick them up._

 

“What do you want, Snape? I haven't been informed of an Order meeting tonight.”

 

_Severus smirks._

 

“Don't you think you should pick them up to close the door, Black?”

 

“Why should I close it? You're out again in a minute, if you can't give me reason why you're here.”

 

“Your family library. The Headmaster's office has sealed itself against anyone and I need to look at a few books which are not at my disposal otherwise. Dumbledore's orders.”

 

_Would I get away with killing the bastard on the spot? Probably not. Of course he's here on Dumbledore's orders, driving me insane is just added bonus._

 

“Dumbledore seems to think I keep a public house. This is not the case.”

 

“Of course not, judging by the company you recently prefer. Public houses keep a certain standard.”

 

_All right, he knows._

 

“The company I keep is none of your concern. You are not a welcome guest.”

 

“No? I remember that you once said I am welcome to your place any time. However this is not a social visit. I need access to your books. If you excuse me, I know the way. I don't want to keep you from doing the chores.”

 

_I'm not playing his game. I wave my hand at the stairs and shove the logs inside with my foot to close the door. I will ignore him._

 

_I listen to his steps and when I finally hear the sound of the door closing, I get down to pick up the logs. Just pretend he's not here!_

_I return to the kitchen. Soon the fire is nice and warm._

_I'm all alone. There isn't anybody upstairs. Severus is not here!_

 

_What the hell is he doing in that library? It can't take so long to find the right books and leave._

_I stoke the fire. The sparks fly up in swirls. Maybe he has already left and I have not noticed._

_I have the choice between emptying a bottle in one go and forget that he is here or go upstairs to check what he is doing. I'm mad enough to do the latter._

_And I regret my choice at once. Severus is sitting in the armchair in front of the fireplace, a book on his knees and a stack of other books on the table next to him. He doesn't drop the book this time. He looks up calmly instead._

 

“Your handwriting is awful, Black. What does that mean?” _Severus turns the books sideways to let me read my notes on the margins, if I moved near enough to do so._

_I don't move at all. I have grabbed the door frame to stop me from running or fainting. He intends to drive me insane._

_I am already insane, because some squeaky little voice inside me whispers words of hope._

 

_Severus' eyes glitter expectantly, waiting for my final breakdown._

 

_It's creepy how he looks at me. I almost believed in good intentions, believed I have a reason to hope he has forgiven me, if he had not been as convincing a liar in the past. If I only could hate him as much as he hates me. He had a reason for doing what he did to me, an even better reason to hate me now. I have not betrayed them, but Lily - they died because of me._

 

_It's my problem that I still love Severus, still wish he could forgive me, still cling to the hope that not all we had was a lie._

 

_Severus has put the book aside and stood up. He walks up to me, slowly, completely in control of himself. I wish I could disappear into thin air. I can! Concentrate on the three ….._

_Severus, Severus, Severus._

 

_I try to avoid his eyes. Eye contact makes it easier. That much I understood when I looked up Occlumency and Legilimency after Christmas. He has been reading my mind. Who knows for how long?_

 

“Is there .... a problem, Black?” _,he asks softly as he moves closer._

 

“You're the only problem. Get out of my house.”

 

“Still the same problem? After all those years? And you really want me to.... leave?”

 

“If it is, it's my problem as you clearly stated. I know you can read my mind, but that's all the entertainment you'll get. Leave me alone.”

 

“I remember that we agreed you'd say please and thank you, when you want me to do something.”

 

“And I remember that you called off any agreement we once had.”

 

“What if I've changed my mind about that?”

 

_He has moved close enough to touch me. Close enough to kiss me and I can't make him stop. I don't want him to stop._

 

“I hate you.” _is all I manage when he let's me catch breath._

 

“For kissing you or for stopping to kiss you?”

 

 _I grit my teeth._ “Slytherin bastard….. “

 

“You know what to do to make you kiss you again, don't you?”

 

_I've told Remus I'm no good. I shouldn't do this. I shouldn't have given in to Remus' offer in the first place. I knew it won't work. Severus is all I ever wanted. I don't care that he will push me away and leave me again like he has done before. I don't even care that he doesn't love me. I love him and I want him, if only for another night or whenever he feels like it. It doesn't matter. If he wants me, I belong to him._

 

“Severus, please.....”

 

_~Severus~_

_One look at Lupin and I know he's finally managed to get his wishes. I close my mind as completely as possible. Dumbledore should not see the faintest glimpse of my thoughts._

 

_Sirius is sober; he looks decent and has obviously eaten regularly since the last meeting. I should be happy about that. I actually am....in a way. If the werewolf helps him to regain sanity, it's a good thing._

 

_There something weird about him, though. I can't access his mind properly. It has always been difficult. Black's mind is one-dimensional and focused. He concentrates on the feelings of the moment so strongly that it's hard to break through to anything else. Dumbledore had suspected him to use Occlumency during the first war. Too innocent to be true._

 

_I know what he is like, when he's happily in love. He could hardly keep his eyes off me, his hands off me. Now he's not looking at anyone, not looking at Lupin._

 

_I can see him kissing Lupin. I can see my own face, cold and bare of emotion, telling him that it's over. It's what he wants me to believe._

 

_I try to provoke him, make him angry and nervous. Molly and Dumbledore frown at me. I don't care what they think. I need to know what is wrong with Sirius._

 

_If Lupin has taken advantage of his weakness, he's going to regret it. I concentrate on Lupin. He will betray himself. I see him watching Sirius sleep, helping him to bed, touching him. Filthy bastard! I see them kiss. Sirius is kissing him, Sirius is ….I push in deeper through the happy thoughts. I need to know how he... 'There's somebody else, Remus. I will always love him.'_

 

_Sirius has noticed what I'm doing. He glares at me furiously, but his mind shows different images. My face again, cold and merciless; myself kissing him; smiling at him; making love to him. The two of us sitting together, his head leant against my shoulder. Me shutting the door behind me; Sirius leaning against it; screaming my name. Sirius leaving Lupin's bed; alone cowered on his own bed whispering...........whispering my name._

 

_Can it be true? I dare not look further, not with Dumbledore around. Is it possible that Sirius doesn't hate me? His whisper is like a cry in my mind. 'Severus, please! Come back!'_

 

_*_

_I've left Black's house that night not knowing what to believe. Can he really love me? Still? Is there a chance? The chance I've never believed in? The second chance I don't deserve? Gryffindors take chances, Slytherins don't. 'If that's what it takes...' I need to know for sure. Tomorrow is full moon. Sirius will be alone. I need a cover story to go to Grimmauld Place. Not hard to find one, Dumbledore has suggested several times that I should use the Black library for my research. I only refrained from doing so, because I didn't want to ask a favour from Sirius._

_I cannot throw my wand into his lap and wait for him to hex me._

 

_*_

_The blundering mutt drops his firewood on my feet, when I stand at his door. It's strange how perception can change. Only a while ago I would have thought that he did it on purpose to hurt me, but now he seems helplessly defensive, lost and scared. I wish I could pull him into my arms and tell him that I want to come back, if he let's me in. He won't believe me. I have no real idea how to make him believe that I'm not here to torment him, that I lied 17 years ago and am not lying now._

 

_He tries to defy me. His stubborn refusal to pick up the logs is giving me more hope. He had done it, if it meant nothing. I have to bide my time. Have I really thought it would be easy? I walk up the stairs and wait for him. He lets me wait. I'm almost ready to give up. It's stupid to believe that he will come to me. I have hurt him too much. Give me another chance, Sirius and I swear I won't hurt you again._

 

_Or has he made up his mind to stay with Lupin? With someone kind he can be sure of? The Sirius I knew wouldn't even think of it, but that Sirius would never have given in to the werewolf. Not without loving him. A different kind of love perhaps? How much is left of the Sirius I loved? How much has been destroyed in Azkaban? I have helped to sent him there. I have believed in his guilt. The information I brought back to Dumbledore all pointed to Sirius, not that Dumbledore needed any more evidence. He was convinced of Sirius' betrayal right from the beginning._

 

_I prepare for the encounter. If Sirius finds me here just like he found me in his secret place, his defences will fail. One more glimpse that confirms my hopes is enough. I'm not a reckless Gryffindor, but there are things worth taking a chance. Sirius is one of them._

 

_I can hear him on the stairs. He freezes in his steps at the door, staring at me in disbelief. Disbelief and hurt..... He thinks I'm playing games with him. Why should he trust me? Will he ever trust me again? He looks so hurt, so scared, but he looks at me. I can see images in his mind. I see my 18-year-old self sitting in an old armchair, a book on my knees. I see Sirius holding my hands in his 'I will always love you, Sev'. My face again 'You love me? That's your problem.'_

 

_I know how cruel it sounds, when I ask him, if there is a 'problem'. I don't really want to hurt him any more, but I'm as scared as he is. His answer so full of pain, so desperate to get rid of me before he loses his mind, makes me the happiest man imaginable. He still loves me. He really does. I finally do what I've been longing for since the day I accepted the truth that he had not betrayed Lily. I kiss him._

 

_He shivers but he doesn't turn away. He returns my kiss with passion, desperate passion._

_I have my Sirius back. It doesn't matter that he makes one last feeble attempt to lie to me. His 'I hate you' are the most wonderful words I've heard for more than a decade. My Sirius, shy and scared not to be loved or worse to be loved for the wrong reasons. Everyone loves the face he shows to the world, the cool guy who isn't afraid of anything, reckless, thoughtless, arrogant, the perfect Gryffindor. I hated that Sirius. My Sirius is the opposite and he is mine alone. Even Regulus believed the lie in the end._

 

_I can hear his heartbeat drumming or is it mine?_

 

“Severus, please....”

 

_Yes, my love! Kissing him again, holding him in my arms, feeling his hands grabbing me as if he wants to make sure I won't disappear again._

_Sirius' hands try to get into my clothes. He swears as he fiddles with the buttons and moans as I simply push my hands under his shirt. How thin he is, almost as thin as myself. I can feel bones where once were firm well-rounded Quidditch-trained muscles. Sirius feels my slow approach._

 

“Not much left to attract you.” , _he whispers._

 

“No, not much. And I was only ever interested in your good looks. You should have taken better care of your assets.”

 

_His eyes meet mine with a fearful look which makes me laugh. I cup his face with my hands._

 

“Don't be a prat. I couldn't care less for your looks. From what I noticed your skills have not lessened.”

 

“You've …. you've been reading my mind? Remus' mind?”

 

“Legilimency is not mind reading. I've seen images, memory snippets. Some of them quite telling and not at all boring. You've learned a few more tricks, since we parted ways.”

 

“What did you expect? That I crawl under a stone and cry my eyes out, after you've left me? I did get along without you. I did pretty well!”

 

“Of course, why shouldn't you? You still have done pretty well with the werewolf, haven't you?”

 

“Don't call him that. He's my friend. He's....”

 

“Oh, I know what he is. Remember, I've read his mind. If he ever tries to touch you again, he'll end up as a rug in front of the fireplace.” _I hiss._

 

_Sirius pushes me angrily away._

 

“You're not going to hurt him, Severus! It has been my fault. I didn't tell him the truth.” _He has lowered his head and his lips barely move when he continues._ “I've let him believe that I.... He believes I've been in love with James. He has no idea.”

 

“In love with Potter? “ _The idea is so absurd that I can't help laughing. In fact Sirius sniggers, too and shrugs._ “Lupin doesn't know you at all, does he?”

 

“He's probably not the only one. Nobody knew about us. Promise me not to hurt him, Sev. Promise!

He's my friend. Nothing has happened without my consent. Nothing. He has cared for me all the time. I'll explain it to him, when he's back. I'll tell him I've made a mistake. He'll understand. He always understands. It will never happen again. ”

 

_Sirius really believes what he says. The friendship of the werewolf means something to him. He has no idea that Lupin's care wasn't all that selfless and innocent. I won't tell him. He's lost too much already._

 

“I promise not to hurt your friend as long as he doesn't hurt you..... Are we going to stand here at the door the whole evening and talk about werewolves or can you offer a more comfortable place? No dog's basket or bird's nest, if you please.”

 

_Sirius' eyes gleam as he takes me by the hand and drags me up the stairs to his bedroom. It's surprisingly tidy apart from the tower of boxes in the corner._

 

“Nice pictures,” _I can't stop myself from commenting on the Muggle girls in bikinis which cover one wall._

 

_Sirius rolls his eyes._

 

“Nice bikes actually. You have no idea how difficult it was to find posters of bikes without half-naked girls. I would replace them with a poster of a dark-haired Slytherin wizard on my bike, if you volunteered.”

 

“No way!”

 

“Pity. I won't insist on a bikini, though. Just a little less of.... Merlin, can't you help me with those pesky buttons. Getting you out of your school robes was a good deal easier. I can't get into your pants before you get rid of these robes.”

 

“You're still a spoiled, lazy brat, too impatient to concentrate on more subtle tasks.” _I raise my eyebrows as he takes out his wand to solve the problem magically._ “Don't you dare to point your wand at me.”

 

_I open the whole row of buttons with a non-verbal spell myself._

 

“Who's lazy?” _Sirius laughs and pulls his shirt over his head. Then he throws his arms around me and a second later we roll over his bed. As if the last 17 years never happened._

 

_Those years have happened, but with him in my arms kissing and touching me they don't matter ._

 

“Slobbering mutt,” _I say affectionately._

 

“You've never complained about it, before you knew I can turn into a dog.”

 

“The knowledge puts it in a slightly different perspective.”

 

_Sirius starts licking at my throat like a dog._

 

“Stop! If you can't help it, would you mind putting your tongue to a better use?”

“With pleasure.”

 

_I certainly don't complain about his talented tongue at the right place._


	3. Chapter 3

~Remus~

 

I've locked myself in the cellar of my house. I use a magic lock which will only open when the moon is waning. After a night as a wolf I sleep during the day, so why leave my prison and risk not to be back in time? In a metal trunk which the wolf can't destroy or open I keep some food and clean bedding.

While I wait for the transformation, I think of Sirius' offer. It would be nice to be with Padfoot, his company is almost as calming as Wolfbane Potion. It was at school so many years ago.

I'm not sure about it anymore. I can't forget that I attacked him that night at Hogwarts. I couldn't control myself. All I could think of was the human prey, so close, so tempting. I will never take that risk again. He could have died. The children could have died. I attacked him only with my claws, thank goodness! Nobody knows what might have happened, if I had bitten him and he had turned human, before the wounds were treated. Never again!

I feel the moon rising and my thoughts get blurred. I need to get out! Hunt! There's the faint smell of humans from behind the door and through the gaps between the planks which secure the small window. I tear at them. They don't give way. I throw myself against the door and scratch until I'm too tired to move.

Three nights and three days, hardly able to think clearly. Falling from fury into exhaustion and back to fury. I leave the cellar when the door opens again. Sirius! I wish I could go to him immediately, but I need a shower; I need rest. I'm actually a bit shy about meeting anyone in the morning after a wolf night. It's not that Sirius hasn't seen me in this state before, but I want to be in a presentable condition now. Who wants to have a lover who flinches at the slightest touch?

Sirius' recovery has been so amazing, so unexpected. He takes so much effort to make it work. I know he does. He wants to make me happy and not burden me with his problems. It's pride perhaps, but I have pride of my own. I don't want him to pity me.

I wish I knew how to be the friend he needs. The friend James was. There are so many things about him I simply don't understand. He always said he hates his family, but he went frantic last summer when Molly wanted to clear his brother's room from all those newspaper clippings. Slammed the door shut and forbid anyone to enter.

He was like James, laughing about school work, refused to do more than the absolute necessity, but at night he sneaked out of the dormitory and I found him reading at the dying common room fire. No school books, not ones from our year. School books bored him. He was so easily bored and could still be so determined with anything he was interested in.

He was the one who found out that Animagi are safe from werewolf bites. He read it somewhere; wouldn't tell where. James understood magic instinctively and he never bothered to find out how it works. Sirius knew, but rarely spoke about it.

Sometimes he was kind enough to explain things to me. When he was in the mood! We often reached a point when I couldn't follow his explanations any more and he lost interest. James teased him about it saying he was as bad as Snape.

When we were working on the Map, Sirius said is was easy to twist Hogwarts' magic to suit our purpose because of Golpalott's Law. Golpalott's Law and easy?

He wrote it down for me in our seventh year to explain. I tried to read it, but I got lost in all the cross references to books and tales I've never heard of.

At that time James had given up on arguing about 'too much pointless theory' and 'having caught a bug from Snivellus'. Lily had agreed to go out with him and that was all he was interested in. Strangely I never noticed that Sirius was unhappy about it. He left them alone, doing his own thing. He seemed very happy in the last weeks of school. James thought he found a girl at last. Lily of course suspected it was a boy, but she didn't mention it in front of James.

But.....? Doesn't that mean ….? He wasn't talking about James, when he said there is somebody  else. Not James! Who?

Sirius doesn't want to tell. I shouldn't ask. So many of our friends died during the first war. There's hardly anybody left. He must be dead or Sirius would do anything to see him again. Anything, no matter what Dumbledore says.

The thought scares me.

*

When I arrive at Grimmauld Place, my hope to see Sirius alone is disappointed. I find him in the kitchen joking with Tonks. He's sober and by the looks of it has stayed so for the last days. I should be happy that he has managed so well.

I haven't seen him so well for a long time, better even than in the week before full moon. He does get along without me.

Sirius greets me with a friendly hug and offers tea. Tonks cheerfully helps him with the sandwiches. Her hair is black today and short cut. She's wearing jeans and a men's shirt. The family likeness between the two is undeniable. They look like brothers and they act like playful boys, decorating the sandwiches with smiling mayonnaise faces and peppergrass hair, sniggering as they put them on the table.

Tonks whispers something in his ear and Sirius shrugs. He opens the kitchen door and calls for someone upstairs.

“Tea's ready!”

I hear steps and see .........Snape? He nods curtly at me, “Lupin,” and sits down at the table.

“Severus,” I reply. I'm confused. Snape doesn't eat or drink at meetings. He never does and certainly not anything Sirius has prepared in his absence.

Sirius fills our cups. Tonks leans over to me and whispers, “Sirius has put Euphoria into the tea.”

I gasp, because Snape has heard it, frowns and sniffs at his cup. Then he drinks, smirking.

“Not a trace of peppermint.”

I may not know much about potions, but even I remember that peppermint is not an ingredient of Euphoria. Sirius and Tonks who both should know act like Snape's remark makes perfect sense. If anyone has taken Euphoria, it's the two of them. They're giddy.

The doorbell shrieks and for a second I expect a March Hare or a Mad Hatter to arrive. It's only Mundungus.

Dung drops down on a chair and looks disappointedly at the tea Sirius has placed in front of him Then he takes a look around for something more substantial. Sirius ignores the searching look and Dung grumpily pulls a flask out of his pocket to serve himself.

“D'ya know what news Dumbledore has calling for an urgent meeting tonight?”

“The headmaster will share his plans with all of you who need to know,” Snape growls as Dung offers his flask to Sirius.

“If you know something, tell us, S...snape. Dumbledore hasn't even seen the necessity to inform me about tonight's meeting.” Sirius says exasperatedly. “I suppose he thinks I'll be here anyway.”

“It's not like you have any other place to go, Black,” Snape's voice is soaked with malice.

“You'd rather lock me up in one of your dungeons, wouldn't you?” Sirius replies, his eyes glittering dangerously.

“Indeed, I can think of a much _safer_ place to keep you. A place much more suited to your _needs,_ Mutt. Unfortunately you're indispensable as housekeeper for the Order.”

I close my fingers around my wand just in case I need to stop any hexes, but Sirius just laughs and takes a hearty bite from his sandwich. He seems to be in such a good mood that not even Snape can provoke him.

Tonks has been giggling all along.

“Never mind them, Remus. They've been like that since Severus has arrived, bickering like an old couple.”

I envy her for her innocent kindness. I've seen more than enough of this for years to know that they are only an inch away from firing curses at each other. Deadly curses, if they thought they had a chance to get away with it.

One by one our other friends arrive and much to everyone's relief Snape decides to retreat to the library again. Not without glaring threateningly at Sirius.

Dumbledore keeps us waiting as usual. None of us seems to know what tonight's meeting will be about. We exchange many ideas about what might be going on and complain about Snape who probably knows, but is not going to tell. Sirius who is usually the first to curse Snape for not telling enough or telling too much or just for the fact _that he exists_ as James has put it once, takes it with good humour today.

“He probably doesn't know himself this time, only wants you to keep guessing for spite,” is all he says and then he plays the cheerful host again.

Molly throws me questioning looks about Sirius' behaviour. I'm wondering myself. It's like the shadow that's been hanging over him since he's returned suddenly disappeared. Really gone, not just pushed away by his incredible determination to appear strong.

Tonks has made it her personal task to please me. She sees to it that my glass of mead is always filled. She chooses the best nibbles for me and insists that I need to eat all of them to recover from the ordeal of the transformations. It's even more confusing because she looks like a younger, more slender version of Sirius, a kind and caring Sirius.

Sirius himself smiles at us.

When Dumbledore finally arrives, he asks for Severus. Sirius rises from the table.

“I'll get him!”

He's not shouting for him from the door this time, but goes upstairs. I'm not the only one who almost jumps when the library door is slammed shut. It seems to take ages. We all listen apprehensively for the inevitable noise of fighting, but all is scarily quiet until we hear steps on the stairs and they re-enter the kitchen.

They spare us another round of insults, but none of us is fooled. They look ruffled. For goodness sake, can't they be in one room for five minutes without getting into a fight? When I glare at Sirius, he winks smugly. Snape is smirking. They both seem to think they've won. Dumbledore monitors them thoughtfully which makes Snape's face turn to stone and Sirius' stubborn.

Dumbledore's news aren't really new. Voldemort is carefully seeking allies and Fenrir Greyback started recruiting among the werewolves. Not with too much success so far, unlike real wolves we're solitary creatures most of the time. They've have learned to distrust the wizards who treat us like beasts. How lucky have I been not only to have friends who accepted my condition, but also found a way to keep me company during the worst hours.

Many eyes are turned upon me, Snape's with cold interest, Molly's with pity and Tonks' and Sirius' with deepest sorrow. I try to show a brave face.

I've expected this day to come for years, waited for it with a mixture of excitement and....yes, I have to admit it to myself …. fear.

I'm looking forward to the task I've been destined to, but.... Why has it to happen now? I don't want to leave Sirius now. If we just had a bit more time, more time for him to recover, more time for us to make it work. I don't want to let him down.

Dumbledore starts a lengthy explanation that I have to cut all visible ties to the Wizarding World to slowly gain the trust of other werewolves. I need to build up a believable cover story of being an outcast, of finally having failed to live among wizards. What he really means is that I can't spent my days here with Sirius.

I want to close my arms around him, tell him that it's only for a short time, a few months, that we'll find a way to see each other. He has proven that he's strong enough to cope. Maybe he's stronger than I think. It's only weeks until the summer holidays and Harry will return as soon as Dumbledore allows it. Sirius won't be alone. It's not me he truly needs, just company, just something to do.

He protests against Dumbledore's plans, argues that I need more time to prepare, that I've just come out of the transformation, I need rest and care. Tonks supports him. She even suggests that he could keep me company as Padfoot. Padfoot can deal with wolves. He certainly can, but Snape reminds her and Sirius who looks quite willing to accept her plan that real dogs and werewolves don't get along. Sirius jumps up in anger, but he falls back to his chair, glaring at Snape. He knows as well as I do that Snape is right. Real dogs hate werewolves. They sense we're not natural beasts. They can even smell us in human form. There has been more than one faithful dog that attacked its owner after he got infected. Muggles have used dogs to identify werewolves in human form in the past.

The real reason why Dumbledore has called this meeting has been to impress on all friends the necessity to avoid friendly contact with me while I'm under cover.

“How will Remus be able to pass on information, if he has to avoid company at any cost?” Arthur wants to know.

“During the first weeks it won't be necessary. The werewolves won't tell me any secrets until they're sure that I can be trusted and they will be watching me carefully. In case of a real emergency I can always send my Patronus to alert you.”

Sirius has balled his fists and is staring down at the table. I suppose it's not only because he's worried about me. It's the feeling of being left out again. He'd be doing anything to be in my place, being able to do something. The more danger, the better. Snape is watching him as intensely as I do. I hope he keeps his venomous tongue in check just this time. Sirius feels bad enough without the taunts.

Dumbledore seems to think the same and his watchful eyes silence Snape. I wish this gathering would be over soon and I could talk to Sirius.

 

~Sirius~

 

I'm a selfish bastard, I've always been one. I'm going to hurt Remus despite my promise. I knew I would. I should never have given in to the temptation of comfort.

Yet the previous days, the previous nights have been the best of my life and I can't help feeling in heaven. Severus is back. When he kissed me, Remus' happiness didn't matter anymore, nothing matters except Severus.

He stayed until dawn, kept me warm and safe in his arms. I slept curled up against him.

After he was gone I crawled into his spot on the bed to still feel his warmth. I was scared during the following day. What if he doesn't come back? What if he lied again?

I've had no reason to fear. He came back the following night. He looked tired. The kids and that Ministry bitch are giving him a hard time. He's used to it. It's part of his cover as a double agent. He doesn't complain. I tried to show him that I trust him, that I love him and he understands. We talked a bit before we slept in each others arms. Severus really does some research for Dumbledore and Voldemort. His visit to my family library was not just a cover story. I've offered to help, if he tells me what he's looking for. Of course, he has seen through it. I'm looking for something to do. He has confided in me anyway and I spent the next day over books and parchment.

When he arrived late that night, I could present him with some results and we ended up lying in front of the fire, skimming through volumes of obscure lore like we did at school. It's amazing how beautiful he looks when his eyes glitter at the discovery of some forgotten link between two spells or the moment when a fragment suddenly makes sense. I couldn't help telling him. I had to touch him, to kiss him, because words can't tell how wonderful it feels to be with him again. He said my work attitude is lacking. I blamed him for just being too distracting.

I tried to find out how long he can concentrate on reading a passage on counter curses while I cover every single area of his skin that I can reach with kisses. His determination to focus on his work is unbelievable. He only wavered, when I moved down to open his flies.

Just when I started to seriously suck and nibble, he grabbed me by my shoulders and threw me on my back, pinning me down.

“You are a good-for-nothing, childish brat, Black. Have you listened to anything I've read? This chapter is important. The Dark Lord has been training his Death Eaters to use those curses. We need to find the most effective defense spells.”

“I'm a wizard. I can listen while doing something else, something more enjoyable.” He couldn't get me with a trick like that. I summarized the chapter and his additional comments. Severus grinned.

“All right, you got the gist. You may continue....listening.”

I continued. He had reached the last paragraph anyway and declared that we were done working for the night. I didn't mind at all. We stayed in the library and slept on the floor until he had to leave for Hogwarts.

Today I continued to work seriously after breakfast and made good progress. I found an old parchment describing the combination of counter and attack spells to one fluent and quite effective wand movement. With a bit of practise that could be very useful.

Around two Tonks arrived unexpectedly. She told me that Dumbledore plans a meeting for tonight and she thought I might like a hand in preparing for a large number of guests.

Actually she came for something else, but didn't know how to start. Dear Dora hasn't inherited much cunning from her Slytherin mother. With all the innocent questions she asked it wasn't hard to figure out that the little crush she always had on Remus has grown into something more serious. Wouldn't that be the solution to my problems? Someone kind and caring who truly loves him?

She's very eager to find out what kind of girl Remus might find attractive. Hmm, that's the tricky part. Girl! To be honest, Dora's natural body wouldn't make it on the centrefold of a wizard's magazine which in this case is a real asset.

“All right, do you trust me? Away with all Metamorphagus magic. We need to start from scratch. I want to see Dora Tonks.”

She seems unhappy, but obeys. Too thin, too angular for a girl, much better than the fake supermodel look she has tried to raise Remus' attention. Despite the Yorkshire-terrier-blonde hair she looks like a Black now.

“I remember you have worn your hair short until you tried to seduce Remus. Yes, that's better, be yourself with a only a few highlights. Try another colour, red perhaps. No, too much. Brown? No, not really. Try black! Yes, Remus will like that. It suits you.”

“You're sure? I mean …. I look like a boy.”

“A very pretty boy. We only need some fitting clothes and you're perfect. I think we'll find exactly what we need in my brother's wardrobe.”

“But I wanted to look pretty for Remus. You know what I mean.”

“Merlin, hasn't your mother taught you anything?There are quite a few wizards who don't choose their … mates ….by their gender. You look perfect for Remus. He's shy around women, extremely shy. He'd never dare to believe a pretty girl is interested in him. Remus is much more at ease with boys. Looking like this you'll get much closer and get a chance to show him how much you care before he gets scared.”

“I don't want to trick him. I only want him to notice me and give me a chance.”

Good Godric, save me from fair and honest Hufflepuffs. Dora is the perfect match for Remus. We only have to make him see it.

“The only thing we've changed is the colour of your hair. You look much more like yourself than before. C'mon now, we've got to look for clothes to match your new true self.”

I don't listen to her protests and drag her upstairs to Regulus' room. He didn't have many Muggle clothes, but I'm sure we'll find a nice tight pair of jeans and one of those frilled shirts he actually hated.

I leave her to get dressed and return to the kitchen only to find Severus pouring himself a cup of tea. I've set the door wards to recognize him and open for him at any time. I give him a welcome kiss.

“You're not alone?” he says pointing at the two empty cups on the table. “Lupin's already awake?”

I shake my head. “It's Dora. The Order is gathering tonight and she has come early to help me. You're early, too. For the same reason as Dora?”

Severus looks at me rather shrewdly. “A similar reason perhaps. Where is she?”

“She's upstairs, she'll be down any minute. …. Do me a favour, try to be nice.”

“I'm always nice to Nymphadora. Despite her occasional fuzziness, she has been a hard-working, attentive student. A pleasure to teach compared to the morons I usually have to deal with.”

Of course, he taught her. Potion NEWT, she needed it to become an Auror. They usually are rather civil to each other.

We hear the tapping of bare feet on the stairs and Dora appears in the doorway. Her face has turned scarlet at Severus' sight and she's stuttering.

“Prof...Professor Snape... Severus”

“Good day to you, Nymphadora. Dressing up for the occasion?”

She's stumbling over the much too long seams of the jeans – got to rectify that – and looking at me for help. I smile. Forget about the seams; she's looking gorgeous. Not like a girl, not like a boy, just stunningly beautiful. If she plays it right, Remus gets much more than he bargains for. He'll get love.

Severus smiles his ironic smile. He certainly sees through my scheme.

“I've come to work. If you excuse me, I'll retreat to the library.”

He smugly passes Dora to leave the kitchen. At the door he turns around and whispers softly to her.

“Don't look so worried, Nymphadora. You can trust Black. He knows how to charm witch or wizard. He was famous for his abilities at school.”

If possible, Dora blushes even deeper.

“Hey Snape, was that a compliment?” I shout after him.

“Decent people wouldn't think it was, but you might, Black.”

“What do you know about decent people, Snape?” I laugh and close the door.

Dora seems a bit confused.

“Snape is in an unusual good mood today, isn't he?”

We need to be more careful, but it's really hard to hide our happiness.

“Of course he is. He is going to spent this afternoon in his favourite company, gruesome Dark Arts books.”

Dora blinks. “Why can't you two get along after all those years?”

“Ours is a long and sad tail,” I quote a Muggle children's book she probably knows. “Let's get on with making you desirable. There's a large mirror in the hall. You've got to see for yourself.”

She's woman enough to see that I was right. The boy-look suits her. It's possible that the mirror has a slight flattering charm on it, helped by the light of the gas lamps. A few of the portraits watch her, too, but of course they wouldn't say anything nice about a halfblood.

“Now what do you think? Or more important how do you feel? “

One more boost to her confidence, “Snape hasn't said anything nasty about your looks. You know what that means. He really thinks you look good.”

Dora's cheeks are cutely pink again. Sure, Severus' judgement matters more than mine.

“But what shall I do and say to him? I can't just sit by his side and look pretty, can I?”

“Remus will still be tired. The transformations really get at him. Feed him, pamper him, make him feel comfortable and cheer him up. That's something you're good at. He loves to be cared for. Don't let him discourage you. He sometimes needs to be told what's good for him. By the way you said you've come here to help me prepare for the meeting. We've got a whole bunch of hungry Order members to feed tonight. We'd better start looking what the pantry has to offer.”

We rummage my stores for Remus' favourite food which isn't too difficult, because he did most of the shopping. The table is soon laden with all kinds of treats. Remus has bought some pre-cooked pasties. Dora knows how to deal with the Muggle stuff. We decide about which kind of sandwiches we want for tea when Severus calls from upstairs.

“Black! Some of your books refuse to come off their shelves. Make yourself useful, before I waste any more time disassembling your library.”

“Don't you dare, Snape! I'm coming.” I pretend to be annoyed and apologize to Dora.

She says she can cope with the cooking on her own.

“I'm back in ten or twenty minutes, depending on the mess Snape has already caused.”

*

“Severus, I'd thought you know that some shelves are password protected.” I lazily point my wand. “Toujours pur! You could have guessed that.”

“I might have guessed it, but I know how much you like to get involved.”

Severus has stepped behind and put his arms around me. I lean back against him closing my eyes while he kisses my neck.

“Admit it you've missed me,” I whisper. “Ouch! Be careful, my collar doesn't hide such bruises.”

“Tell them I've hit you with a book, if they ask. I doubt they will as long as you can stand straight.”

“I wouldn't mind finding an excuse for walking a bit wobbly, but I'm afraid we haven't time for that. I can't leave all the work to Dora.”

“Are you finished with dressing up the virgin sacrifice to the wolf? Or is it sacrificing the wolf to the shield maiden? Either way I don't mind as long as he stays away from you.”

His tone is a little too sharp for my liking. It was my mistake, my own decision to get involved with Remus. I wasn't drunk. Remus has never, would never have taken advantage of my weakness during the last months. Severus should know better.

I got myself into this mess with Remus and I've got to get out by myself, hurting Remus as little as possible. I haven't really lied to him. I've told him I don't love him. I've told him there's somebody else. I've got to tell him that I thought about it and that it doesn't work. The plain and simple truth, I can't be with him when my heart is with somebody else, dead, alive or Slytherin. I don't want to lose him as a friend, though.

“You'll give me the time to talk to Remus, won't you? It's difficult enough without you lurking in a corner.” I nearly plead. His early arrival has proven to me that he is a bit unwilling to leave me alone with Remus. He can't seriously think I'd give in again. Why isn't there a spell to undo the last two weeks? Why can't they just disappear, no Dora in the kitchen, no Remus, no meeting tonight?Only the two of us.

Severus still holds me, so tightly that I hardly can breathe.

“I've promised to let you deal with him in your own way, but don't forget you are mine and I will never let you go again. Never! If he's going to hurt you...”

“Don't be ridiculous. I'm not a helpless child. Remus will be hurt and it's my fault.”

Instead of an answer Severus is kissing me. That's patently unfair, because I can't care for anything else when he's doing that. Stolen moments, will there ever be a time when we can be together openly?

The loud noise of smashing china reaches us from the kitchen. Dora! I disentangled myself unwillingly from Severus' embrace.

“I'll call when tea's ready.”

*

I shut up mother on my way down and order Kreacher to his lair. He mutters the usual insults. Dora has repaired the tea cups she dropped and apologizes. I tell her not to worry. They've been broken more than once. Mother used to throw them against the wall when she was angry and once I threw them back.

She's obviously not used to Black temper from home, though Andromeda could get quite lively as far as I remember. Cooled down by the love of her Hufflepuff. I remember what she said about love and convenience. I should have thought of that two weeks ago. To lighten the mood I start telling Dora stories of our school days, funny ones which make Remus look good.

We plot how to make Remus feel very comfortable today.

The man himself arrives shortly afterwards. He looks a bit disappointed about Dora's presence, but he's too well mannered and too kind to let her see it. The disappointment ceases soon. I've been right after the ordeal of the transformation he likes to be pampered and her new look has raised his attention. Dora notices it, too and it finally gives her the much needed confidence. I can't deny I enjoy our little plot. All's fair in love and war. I will be free for Sev, when we can make Remus see what's good for him. I'm not the one he truly wants; I've never been. What he really wants is someone who does love him.

The talk I dread has to be postponed until the meeting is over. I suppose Severus plans to stay in the library while I.... I don't know whether I'm happy about that or not. I don't want him to leave. I want him to be here afterwards, but his presence really makes it difficult.

There's no plan how to tell Remus. Tell him what? My true love has unexpectedly returned and I don't .... need you anymore? Certainly not! More like I've been thinking about it and it will not work. I've been thinking of the one I love every minute I've been with you. You've given me comfort, but you don't deserve to be used like that. I've made a mistake, please forgive me. I can't do it. Pathetic, but true.

Severus really comes down when I call him. He's making a point about his presence, even when no one but myself understands. Remus is confused. Act normal, Sirius! We're not ready to let anyone know. What is normal when Sev and I are concerned? Taunts and teases with double meaning, 'bickering like an old couple' Dora says. She has no idea how right she is.

I see Remus' hand move towards his wand. He's expecting us to start a fight any second. We need to play this game with words, because if we stopped I'd throw my arms around Sev and let them know. I simply need to tell him how much I love him – one way or the other.

People arrive one by one. There's a lot of discussion about tonight's meeting. They don't know more about it than I do, but many seem to think Severus does. He retreats the library again to avoid the pesky questions. I don't think he knows. He would have told me, wouldn't he?

Dora keeps Remus occupied and Molly whispers with Arthur who throws me looks. I reassure him with a smile. Wouldn't it be great, if it worked?

At last Dumbledore arrives, late as usual. Unemployed headmasters have a tight schedule, haven't they?

He wants to start the meeting and asks for Severus. Ignoring the frowns I'm the first to volunteer. I won't waste my chance to get a kiss. My only chance for hours, if Dumbledore has really something important to discuss.

I block the library door and refuse to let Severus pass without paying toll. His complaints about my immaturity and childish waste of his time are not very convincing given the possessive way he claims my mouth and lets his fingers run through my hair. Possessive? It's more the wish to reassure ourselves of belonging together. We still can't risk it to be known, not even among friends, my friends. Those of them who act civil towards him only do it on Dumbledore's word.

Dumbledore, I don't see much reason to confide in him. I'm messing up his well-laid plans again, distracting his master spy. Somehow I always happen to get in his way and he has to waste time and energy to get rid of me. Maybe he's right and it's really my complete lack of.... discipline, my annoying determination to stay with the people I care for. I can't help it. I can't believe that friendship and love can be wrong.

Severus has managed to grab the door handle behind my back. He has the discipline I lack, but for him I may find enough of it to play my part.

 

*

The werewolves! Of course it had to happen one day. We knew it; Remus knew it right from the beginning. Raised to be the perfect agent to contact them, just like James was raised to be the pure-blooded champion for equality and Lily to be the poster girl for Muggleborns. Was I intended to play the role Severus has now taken upon himself? I don't know. I could have. Voldemort still tried to recruit me after I ran away.

Maybe I could still, many people thought and think me capable of switching sides for the right reason or just for spite. I could be with Severus......

I should concentrate on the business at hand and that is..... the fact that I can't talk to Remus after this revelation. It's too cruel. Why has it to be now? He's not in the state to go on a mission like this. He needs more time. Dora makes objections and I support her. Dumbledore just can't tell someone to leave everything behind and risk his life out of the blue. Remus is putting up a brave face, but he's looking at me. Goodness grace, he can't be worried about how I cope, can he? He can and if it wasn't for Severus he'd probably be right to worry. I've been a mess since Christmas, a burden to him and the Order. If Dumbledore only gave me something to do, anything to do. I drank to stop thinking. When I have nothing else to do, the echoes of the Dementors sound in my head. They seem so reasonable after a while, so unlike real Dementors. They make me angry, defiant, not depressive.

__'Dumbledore made many mistakes which led to the deaths of your friends.' ; 'If Dumbledore investigated the spy properly nothing of that had happened.'; 'Dumbledore doesn't raise Harry the way James and Lily wanted. He hasn't protected the boy properly in the past.'_ _

I must stop those thoughts or I can't go on! Severus is the rational one. He knows more about Dumbledore's plans than any of us. He trusts Dumbledore and follows his orders. He risks his life for the cause. I trust Severus and therefore I can trust Dumbledore.

Dora's idea about Padfoot accompanying Remus sounds great. I'd love to do that. If only....

Severus dismisses it in his cool pragmatic way. Yes, I know that real dogs don't like werewolves. You don't need to remind me! Stop treating me like I'm a reckless idiot, a thoughtless child! All of you! You're not my parents!

The discussion goes on and on. Several questions and objections are raised. Remus knows his answers, learned them by heart over the years of waiting. Severus smiles sarcastically at some simple solutions. He doesn't believe that Remus is up to it. Severus knows all too well what awaits him. Remus is not as strong as he is. He can't cope with being without a friend.

When it's finally over, Severus declares that he wants to finish his research in library. He won't leave me alone with Remus. Does he really think I'd sleep with him again for pity's sake?

Several of the others look at him and then at me awaiting for my protest. Remus is glaring at Sev and Sev smirks.

“The books need dusting anyway, Snape. Make yourself useful. Kreacher can help you.”

“Haven't you become an expert in cleaning by now, Black?” He takes a look around. “Apparently not. Why don't you practise while I'm reading?”

“Sure, spending my time in the library with you is what I'd love to do right now.” I say with my most sarcastic voice, not meaning any sarcasm at all.

I'm glad he stays. Being alone with Remus without being able to tell him the truth could get quite awkward.

It's my lucky night. Molly tries to further Dora's attempts on Remus.

“Are you going to be a gentleman, Remus and take the girl home? It's very late. She really shouldn't be on the streets at this time of night.”

Never mind that Dora is an Auror and probably could be Remus' protector rather than needing his protection. Remus gives me a desperate glance, but Molly seeing it frowns at me. I pretend to back down at her glare. Remus gives in. He manages to stay behind in the kitchen, while the others pour out.

“I'm sorry, Sirius. I can't help it.”

“It's all right, Remus. Take her home. And take care, will you?”

There's not much else we can say under the circumstances.

“Take care yourself, Sirius.”

“I promise I will,” a promise I can keep. In my mind I add, 'Come back safely, my friend.'

I'm feeling bad for still feeling happy deep down, but I do. Severus is waiting for me.

“Have you tied your silk ribbon to the valiant knight's armour?” he greets me. He can be a real bastard. That's why I love him. He doesn't make me feel guilty.

 

~Severus~

 

How many times in the last few days have I asked myself am I really doing this? Am I really sneaking out of the castle after curfew like a 4th year Gryffindor to meet with my lover? Is this lover really Sirius Black of all people? Black whom his own brother called siriusly mad? Am I really going to Grimmauld Place today to check on his meeting with the werewolf?

I know he wants me – for now he really does. I am only afraid that Lupin's soft kindness will render him helpless against the pleas. Afraid that he might still feel committed to show gratitude for the-not-at-all-selfless care Lupin has given him.

It was pure lust not kindness which make Lupin do what he did for Sirius. Why am I not telling Sirius about the greedy looks, about the hands on his body pretending to give comfort? He'd turn his back on him immediately. I have been tempted to tell him, but then I see this trusting look in Sirius' eyes, his firm believe in …. true friendship. I can't bring myself to destroy that.

It's not Lupin but Miss Nymphadora Tonks he entertains when I arrive. I don't mind her too much. Perhaps it's a lasting respect for her mother who Sirius also loved best of his family. Sirius smiles mischievously for good reason. He can't help playing his pranks on anyone, a well intended prank this time. It's a mad idea, but who knows it might work. She's really looking like …. no, not really like Sirius, more like Regulus. She's wearing Regulus' clothes. I'd better leave them to their schemes, a Gryffindor and a Hufflepuff trying to show Slytherin cunning.

Regulus would have liked it. I think he would. He sometimes had the same wicked sense of humour as his brother, only he seldom acted on it. He always tried to be different, to be respectable, rational and clever while Sirius was childish and reckless and did his best to appear stupid. They both played their roles well never letting the other brother know how much they missed him.

Where do these sentimental thoughts come from? Why is it that the mere thought of Sirius always forces me to get emotional? I simply can't stay indifferent around him. Never could, neither in hatred nor in.... love. Damn the stupid mutt!

He makes me act like a love-struck teenager again, finding cheap excuses to call him to me for hasty snogging and fumbling, playing word games right in front of the clueless audience of his friends. Telling each other of our love while the werewolf gets worried and reaches for his wand under the table.

Am I returning to the library to avoid the questions of the Order members or am I running away to stop myself from just pulling Sirius into my arms? Maybe both. Maybe I'm leaving before Sirius loses his self-control and gives a damn about the werewolf's feelings. He nearly called me Severus, corrected himself at the last second.

He comes up again to call me when Dumbledore has arrived.

“Pay the toll, before I let you pass.”

Am I really giving in to his childish behaviour? It feels so good to be needed, truly needed, not for my usefulness but for myself. My usefulness, my duty, the promise I've given..... Dumbledore is waiting!

*

We've taken a bit longer than they expected. Lupin's wary eyes wander between us. Sirius twinkles mischievously and straightens his shirt. I can guess what Lupin is thinking and smirk.

Dumbledore comes straight to the point. Lupin is supposed to make contact with his fellow werewolves which means in effect cutting ties with his friends to make his change of mind believable. There's no big surprise in that and no reason to fuss about it. They do anyway.

It's understandable that Nymphadora is not happy about it and yes, Sirius is worried about his friend, but really.... So what? Lupin is going to play the double agent. Poor Remus will be alone among the enemy without the support of friends, mistrusted by those he needs to befriend, despised by those he's trying to protect. We're fighting a war, aren't we? Not much glory in the necessary tasks. Lupin enjoys to be shown so much kindness and care, so much support, so much love. Everybody cares for him, cares about the hardship which awaits him. I press my lips together and taste the bitterness. …. until I notice that Sirius' eyes are focussing on me. Carefully hidden behind unruly strands that have fallen in his face they glitter at every suggestion to ease Lupin's lot and at every plea to Dumbledore to allow him some comfort. I don't have a reason to envy the werewolf. I...am....loved. Strange words, stranger meaning, good feeling.

Sirius cares for me as deeply as all the others care for Lupin, but there's something else in his looks at me. He is anxious; he begs for my forgiveness, for my understanding and I do understand.

I do understand that he will not tell Lupin today, not under these circumstances. He doesn't want to hurt him. He always protected him as if he was a helpless child. He nearly killed me trying to protect Lupin's secret. Lily tried to protect Lupin, too. There is a nasty little voice in my mind that tells me 'Make him choose'; 'Make him stand up for you against his friends'. I'm not that petty. I do understand about conflicting loyalties. It's the Gryffindors who don't.

For Salazar's sake, how did that badger manage to pass her Auror's exams? And Sirius should know better than jump at the opportunity.

“Real dogs hate werewolves,” which translates into 'Don't even think of it! I won't let you!'

Sirius stares at me furiously and then he sinks back to his chair. He knows, but he'd risk it anyway.

Lupin calmly accepts my words of reason. He also knows that it wouldn't work.

I dare to look at Sirius again and intense grey eyes meet mine. I can look right into his mind. I see the outlines of a huge dog standing next to a man. The dog leans against him, rubs his nose on his thighs and licks his hand. For a fragment of a second a smile appears on Sirius' lips and the image gets clearer. The man has black hair and..... he's wearing Death Eater robes! Can he really mean it? Does he truly understand what he's offering? I want to dismiss the idea as Gryffindor madness, but the thought is tempting. With careful planning it could be possible. Forget it, Severus! Dumbledore would never allow it. I will never allow Sirius to take such a risk. That he is willing is …...

No! It's impossible. This is something I have to do alone, the last service I owe to Lily's memory. Dumbledore says Potter has the power to defeat the Dark Lord. I don't know how this can happen, but I have to believe in him and in Potter. When it's over I'll be free. We'll be free. I want to survive this war.... for Sirius. If only to stop the mad dog from biting the Minister or peeing into the Fountain of Magical Brethren. I can't help smiling at the image and Dumbledore watches me suspiciously.

*

About two hours later the tedious attempts to assure Lupin of everybody's love, friendship and respect for his bravery are finally over. I owe Molly Weasley for the brilliant idea to ask Lupin to escort Nymphadora home. His desperate longing look at Sirius is priceless. What a pity that the valiant knight is denied the pleasure of a few last hours in his lover's arms before he goes to battle. I'm so sorry Werewolf, your lover will spend these hours in the arms of the despised Slytherin spy and he doesn't look too unhappy about the prospect.

I've declared my intention to remain at Grimmauld Place for tonight, working in the library. Glares and apprehensive looks flick from me to Sirius and back again. He plays it cool, sarcasm which only I know is not sarcasm at all. I shouldn't have turned my face to watch the touching farewell hug he gives his friend. I know it doesn't mean anything, but....

He lets me wait, much too long. Having second thoughts on an affair with Snivellus? When he finally arrives at the library, I can't stop myself from snapping at him.

He smiles at me with bitter sadness. I know he is not ashamed of loving me. He never truly was and he'd rather let the whole world know than hide it. It's just not that easy to be honest about it.

“Not yet, I wasn't sure the champion of my heart would be willing to wear my token,” he whispers softly and flicks his wand. He winds the scarlet silken scarf with the golden trimming he has conjured around my neck. “Yours always, Sir Knight.”

“Sentimental fool! I can't wear.... the colour doesn't suit me.” Empty words of defiance when my body, heart and soul already have surrendered to his puppy eyes.

“It suits you more than you know, “ Sirius laughs and changes the scarf to a more decent green with the silver greyhounds of the Black crest in the corners. “Better? We don't want you flaunting a red cloth in front of your fellow snakes. Keep it, hidden if you must, but remember you are mine and I will never let you go again.”

“Yours? Are you forgetting who's the master and who's the hound?”

Sirius curls his lips to the arrogant smile I once hated so passionately.

“I'm not a Labrador; I don't do tricks on command.”

_“A poacher to his eyelids as are all the lurcher clan,  
Follows silent as a shadow and as clever as a man, ” he quotes from an old poem I remember from Muggle school._

_“His master on the splashboard, oh, of ancient race he is ;_  
With the hard hawk face  
Of an old king race,  
His hair is black and snaky and his cheek is brown as tea,  
And pyramids and poacher-dogs are made by such as he.  
Now, the dog he looks as pious as the beak upon the bench,  
But he'll pounce and pick a hare up, and he'll kill her with a wrench,  
Or he'll sneak around a rick  
And bring back a turkey chick ;  
And you'll wonder how they got him all his cockaleerie fakes :  
Well, his master comes of people who turned walking-sticks to snakes !” 

 

“Are you calling me a gypsy?” 

“For I'd rather have a kiss from Gypsy's lips than all the land and money,” he hums horribly out off tune and drags me into his bedroom. 

“You only get a kiss when you stop howling like that, hound.” Sirius may not follow orders, but he accepts reasonable suggestions.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The poem Sirius quotes from is **The New Anubis** by Patrick R. Chalmers and the song is 'Raggle-Taggle Gypsy'.


	4. Chapter 4

_~Remus~_

 

_Tonks and I are the last to Disapparate from the square. She hasn't said a word while the others one by one disappeared. She seems to be a bit embarrassed by Molly's suggestion._

_We Apparate on the parking lot near her flat and I dutifully take her to the front door. When I say goodbye, she smiles shyly._

“Want to come in for a cup? I mean, if you aren't too tired..... or do you want to return to Grimmauld Place?”

_Return to Grimmauld Place? Sirius said goodbye to me. There wasn't the slightest hint that he wants me to return. He's not the type for sentimental scenes, certainly not with Snape in the house. It's late but not too late and it's probably my last chance for an evening in friendly company for weeks or maybe months._

“I'd like to...”

_Tonks' flat is very Muggle, a bit messy which makes her blush and hurry to clear the sofa from clothes and magazines. The only signs of a witch's home are a poster of the Weird Sisters on the wall with banners of the Harpies and Hufflepuff House on either side. If the singer didn't wink at our arrival, you wouldn't have noticed magic._

_Tonks puts the kettle on and then pauses._

“Tea, coffee or would you like a glass of wine?” _She's holding up a bottle,_

_Why not wine? One glass wouldn't do any harm._

“Whatever you like.”

_She hands me the bottle to open it and gets two glasses._

“Only from the supermarket, I'm afraid. I do my shopping on the way home from work. My mother thinks that is completely unacceptable,” she giggles.

“I remember your mother Andromeda. She was still at Hogwarts in my early years. Sirius liked her very much.”

“Oh, yes I think so, too. He came to visit once or twice when I was little before he.... My mother is quite sad that she can't see him now. She says he's like the little brother she always wanted. I'm not sure, but I think he and my father didn't get along very well.”

“Sirius probably doesn't think anyone is good enough for Andromeda.” _I think aloud._

“So it is true? Two years ago when he escaped from Azkaban and everybody believed he was the worst Death Eater, my father seemed to be very worried that he'd come to our house. It was one of the few times my mother got really angry and yelled at him that whatever Sirius Black has become he'd never hurt her or her family.”

_Remembering that Andromeda is the only girl Sirius has ever been serious about, I nod._

“It's very kind of you to look after him. He's sometimes in such a state,” _Tonks continues, smiling at me._

 _I try not to blush._ “He's my friend. It's only natural to be there when he needs me. He was there for me, when I needed him. I don't think I'd made it through Hogwarts without Sirius and James as my friends. Don't judge him by the way he's been during the last months. ”

“I don't. My mother showed me old pictures and told me stories. Today I could almost believe them. Let's stop talking about him. What about you?”

_For a moment I expect the usual question. What is it like to be a werewolf? The question everybody asks to show how tolerant they are and how much they are trying to understand. The question is usually mixed with barely hidden curiosity and thrill seeking in relative safety._

“You're Half-blood like me, aren't you?” _Tonks asks instead._ “Is it as strange to you as it sometimes is to me? Purebloods can be so utterly oblivious about real life. You know my mother is still scared of Muggle television. She thinks they can spy on us like portraits. Father and I had to go to the pub to watch our favourite football team.”

“So when you moved out that...” _I point to the TV set on the shelf._ “was the first thing you bought? Never to miss a football match again.”

“First thing indeed, it was here before I even had a bed or a chair. Father comes over for the important games. Which team do you support? We're all for Nottingham Forest. It's such a pity they lost to those Germans.”

“I'm afraid I know nothing about football, even less than about Quidditch. If you want to talk sports, talk to Sirius. He probably even knows about your football team or would have in the past.” _When I notice that she looks a bit disappointed, I continue,_ “I'm very interested in the device. How does it work with all the magic in your flat?”

 _She's smiling again._ “No problem, I pull the plugs when I set up the alarm wards before leaving or when I practised spells for the Auror's exams. Do you want to see it?”

_Tonks is already fumbling with cables and sockets. The screen flares up and a mad Muggle woman watches flowers, birds and butterflies rising out of a plastic bottle. They cover the whole room and leave the floor, tiles and taps sparkly clean. The Muggle woman is tap-dancing for joy about the magic. I nearly spill my wine laughing. Tonks refills our glasses._

“I think my mother would love such a potion, but I'm not sure, if she really wanted to tap-dance to make it work.”

_I can hardly imagine the Andromeda I knew doing a tap-dance for any reason. Tonks switches channels and scene after scene of strange magic appears on the screen. Then it all turns black and white and people wearing what could be wizard's robes walk through old mansions and beautiful gardens. On the next channel there are a lot of bangs and the Muggles drop dead._

“There's no football tonight, I'm afraid.”

“Never mind, it is fun to watch, though I think they would be disappointed finding out that magic can't do what they imagine. They do get along pretty well without, don't they? My mother did.”

_I smile reminiscently. She was the one who kept it all together after the attack. My father blamed himself for not protecting me. She never accepted that there is no cure. She never accepted that three days a month make such a difference. When she finally understood that it does, she insisted that I went to a Muggle primary school. 'When the Wizarding World has no place for our son, he needs to learn to live in the real world.' I don't think she was really happy about me going to Hogwarts in the beginning, but I wanted to be a wizard. I am a wizard._

_She was happy when I found friends. Our house wasn't connected to the Floo network. Father avoided magic in her presence. It was only during the summer between 6th and 7th year that Sirius and James came to visit me. The motorbike startled all the neighbours. Sirius startled all the neighbours. Not like Arthur would with his mismatched clothes. He knew how to dress or he knew how to dress for Muggle London. His style would have raised less attention in Diagon Alley or Hogsmeade than in the small town where we lived._

_Mother was used to robes. Father wore them when he Disapparated to work from behind the garden shed. She was not used to black leather jackets with fringes all along the shoulders and sleeves or laced leather jeans. When he unmounted and threw his jacket over his shoulder to reveal a dark purple shirt she was close to fainting._

_She knew I had I crush on Sirius, although she never mentioned it. He pretended to pull a gorgeous bouquet out of the saddle bags and handed it to her with a winning smile. He has always been good at conjuring flowers. About ten minutes later he was lying under the kitchen sink with his sleeves rolled up and a spanner in his hands. He repaired the fittings of our washing machine which had been leaking for ages. Some Purebloods know about real life. Mother adored him ever since and defended him against all the gossiping neighbours. She died before he was sent to Azkaban._

“Remus? Reeemus? A penny for your thoughts.”

“I'm sorry. What did you say? I was thinking of...”

“Never mind, I've been asking you, if I should put on some music.”

“That would be nice.... no punk, if you please.”

_Tonks looks a bit confused._

“You're too young to remember.”

“I know what punk is. I'm not that young,” _she pouts. At this moment she really looks like young Sirius, the one I fell in love with. 'Don't treat me like a child!' He always got angry, when he wasn't taken seriously, but the very next minute he acted like a fool. He still does. I'm not sure which one is the real Sirius._

_Tonks has started the stereo. I don't know the song, but the singer sounds vaguely familiar._

“I'm a bit old-fashioned when it comes to Muggle music. This was very popular when I was at Hogwarts. We called it Snape's song.”

 _She is giggling and joins in with the chorus,_ “Slime and snail, puppy dog's tail, thunder and lightning, something frightening....”

 _I burst out in laughter._ “Does he know?”

“I don't think so. None of us died a sudden painful death.” _She pauses for a moment to think and goes on,_ “He wasn't that bad actually. The Aurors are much worse. I've learned a lot in his class. If only.... he was a bit..... nicer.”

“Severus has always been a bit awkward. We didn't get along at school, you know. James and Sirius played a lot of pranks on him. I should have stopped them.” _I shrug._ “They were a bit wild. He can't forget what they …. what we did to him. He still hates us.” _He still hates me. Lately he seems to hate me even more. I don't know why. Sirius' return has made it worse, guilty by association_

“Do you think he's really changed sides? It seems so weird that Dumbledore trusts him. I still can't understand that he lets a Death Eater teach.”

“He let a werewolf teach.” _I reply with too much bitterness._

“That's different. You are.... a good teacher. They all say that. They all say you were the best Defence teacher they ever had. Your condition is not your fault. You never had a choice.”

“Dumbledore knows what he's doing. He believes that Severus has changed sides and I suppose he has a good reason trust him. That's good enough for me. It should be good enough for all of us.”

“You are so kind. You always try to see the best in everyone, don't you?”

_Do I? Tonks is certainly keen to see the best in me. Her admiration shouldn't make me feel so good. She's so young and innocent and lively. I'm not nearly as good as she seems to think. …. Tonight she looks so much like Sirius used to look back in the old days, but she acts so differently from him. She looks up to me. Sirius never even makes me feel his equal. Maybe I've never acted like his equal._

 

_After Christmas I found him in the kitchen staring at a half empty bottle of Ogden's. It was obvious he's had a bad night and an even worse day. He was drunk, but not drunk enough. He was bad tempered and snapped at me, when I tried to convince him to have some food and a cup of hot tea._

“Stop fussing about me like an old nanny! Don't be so goddamn understanding and forgiving! Get yourself a puppy, if you want someone to mollycoddle. I'm old enough to decide for myself whether I want to get drunk and roll on the floor or not. You're a pathetic nurse anyway. You could at least look like one....”

_He pointed his wand at me and muttered a spell. Luckily his hand wasn't steady and the spell missed. A little white nurse's cap dropped to the floor. I simply vanished the cap and put the cardigan which has fallen from his shoulders back. He downed a good deal of what was left in the bottle and buried his head in his hands. Sirius sat there unmoving for several minutes while I stoked the fire and made him a cuppa. I knew he wasn't in his right mind. He didn't mean to hurt me. He closed his hands around the cup, but didn't drink._

_He didn't look drunk any more and spoke very clearly._

“Why can't you just say when I'm acting like an arsehole? What kind of friend do you think I am that you can't tell me the truth?”

_Tonks is talking about my kindness and my courage again. I don't feel kind. I don't feel brave, but I want to hear that she thinks I am._

_I can't help wanting to be liked. Sirius can't understand. Everybody likes him. People always did. The only one for whom Sirius occasionally went out of his way to please him was James. It was always 'love it or leave it' for him and he got away with it. I won't get away with it. People only like me because I'm trying to be nice to them. That's what Sirius was trying to tell me in his moment of clarity, not to be nice, when he is a bastard to me, not to be nice to keep him. He can't understand!_

_Tonks does. She talks about her Auror training. They laughed at the Hufflepuff, not clever enough, not cunning enough, not brave enough. She had to work hard for acceptance, but she says it's fine with her. She says that being nice and fair and not bearing grudges will pay off in the end. I've never seen before how grown-up she is. Usually she's using her amazing Metamorphagus abilities to entertain the Weasley children and is rather quiet at meetings, but that woman has a clear idea what to do with her life. She makes us, Sirius, Severus and me, look like immature boys. When I say that, she denies it._

“Without the prejudice against werewolves you would do the same. Maybe after the war you can return to Hogwarts as a teacher. “

“That's impossible. Without Wolfbane I'm a danger to the students.”

“Nonsense, your quarters at the school could be secured like you have secured the basement of your house and why is Wolfbane such a problem? I can make it.”

“You can brew Wolfbane? Snape always made such a fuss about how complicated it is and how time consuming it is.”

“Well, I can't brew it on the spot. I probably need to ask him to show me how it is done and may need a bit of practise, but I'm an Auror. I've passed my Potion NEWT. In Snape's class! That should be telling you something.”

_Tonks is really excited about the idea. She wants to ask him at the next meeting._

“I can't ask you to make such a sacrifice. Severus will not easily agree to private lessons. He only brewed it on Dumbledore's orders.”

“I'd love to do you a favour. It will make things easier for you, won't it? Don't worry about Snape. He actually likes to share his knowledge with a student who shows real interest. He will grumble, but he will do it.”

_It's a tempting offer. Wolfbane makes things easier, when you overcome the horrible taste. I can't possibly expect her to spent so much time with Snape though. He will be a bastard to her and to anyone else who supports the plan. I had hoped for a while that Sirius could do it once he has recovered, but he can't ask Snape to show him and the potion is much too dangerous to be tried unchecked._

“It's nothing which has to be decided here and now. I will spend the upcoming weeks or months as a real werewolf.”

“That gives me time to practise. I will ask him. Perhaps I can tell him that it's something the Order can offer to other werewolves whom you can convince to change sides. He doesn't need to know it's for you.”

“He's not stupid. To be honest I don't think I can make others turn sides. Once you've given in to the beast, it's difficult to return.”

“You've never given in, have you? You wouldn't bite anyone.” _She looks so trusting, so utterly convinced that I wouldn't do any harm. I remember the night two years ago, when I nearly attacked Harry and his friends..... the night when I could have killed Padfoot. Maybe Severus is right. There is no such thing as a tame werewolf. Maybe the wolf is always there, in my blood and in my mind._

_Tonks changes the CD again. It must be the wine – how many did I have? - she looks delicious._

“You look very pretty tonight. “ _The words simply slip, before I even realize what I've said._

_It is the wine! And Sirius stupid idea to dress her up in his clothes. She looks neither boy nor girl, everything I loved about him without the things that always scared me._

_She's beaming,_ “Do you think so?” , _and with a dash of boldness she grabs my hands and pulls me up from the sofa._ “Would you care to dance, Professor Lupin?”

_When have I ever been able to deny a request from these grey eyes? The song is just right, not too slow, not too fast. She places my right hand just above her bum and I remember that I'm expected to lead. I feel quiet good to hold this girl in my arms and move to the music around the small space in front of the coffee table. I used to be a passable dancer. My mother saw to it that I took lessons during the summer holidays. I have been better than James who really had two left feet, when it came to dancing. Lily loved to dance. The only one James allowed to dance with her was Sirius. The two of them together were amazing. When we went out together, people often left the dance floor to watch. Lily's long red hair flying in the flashing lights and Sirius made her fly. Tonks is a Black in that respect, though I doubt that Andromeda used the same methods as her aunt to teach her._

_The next song is much slower and I try to withdraw. She doesn't let me. I don't really mind. It's only a harmless dance. After the fifth song I beg for mercy. I'm not used to it any more._

“Please Dora, give an old man a break.”

“You're not old. The boys today fall over their own feet,” _but she's out of breath, too and we fall on the sofa side by side._ “That was fun. We should do this more often.”

_I should tell her to ask Sirius, but I don't. For some reason I don't want her to dance with him or him with her or....._

_I need another drink. It's late. I should really leave now. Tonks doesn't want to hear anything about this._

“No chance, Remus. I can't let you leave like this. I have a responsibility as a Member of the Aurors Office. Don't drink and Disapparate! You may splinch or land in the middle of the sea.”

“But....”

“Really, don't be so …. You can sleep on the sofa. It's quite comfortable. Your spying duties won't be compromised, if you start tomorrow instead of tonight.”

_Tonks summons a blanket and a pillow which land right on top of my head._

“Perhaps it should be “Don't drink and do magic”? “ _I say, after I have managed to stick my head out from under the blanket._

 

~Sirius~

_I'm lucky that there won't be anyone around tomorrow to ask about the love bites. To me they will prove he's real. It makes me feel wanted. It makes me feel safe. He's strong enough for both of us. I don't need to be._

“Your arse is mine. Mine! Mine, mine....,” _he repeats like an incantation while pounding into me so hard that it takes all my strength not to fall over. It's petty, but I like him being jealous. Only a bit... showing me that he really wants me. He doesn't have any reason to be jealous. He is the only one, always has been and always will be._

_Severus stops his thrusts abruptly and I moan in protest._

“Sev.... c'mon.....”

“Say it!”

“Severus, please.... do it. Fuck me!” _I try to push against him, but he has grabbed my hips._

“No, not that. Say that you are mine, mine alone!” _There's something in his voice that makes my skin crawl._

“Yours! I am yours!... Sev............ God, please...... fuck!”

“Never forget!”

*

_How can I forget, when I need you so much? When there's hardly anyone left to keep me going on but you? I've forsaken any right to interfere with Harry's life. When I'm honest to myself I have to face the fact that I don't know the boy and he doesn't know me. He doesn't need me or more precisely I can't be what he needs. I depend on you to keep him safe. Ironic that he is too much like James for your liking and not enough for mine. And there is Remus who clings to a past which wasn't really true and actually over before I went to …. that place. Hold me in your arms, Sev. Make me believe that there is a future. Make me feel that there is a now! Help me find my way back to the world outside prison. Remind me that there is a world outside!_

_I feel your hand on my face, brushing away the strands, gently, almost shyly. I lean against your palm. Yours, in your hand, where I want to be._

“I have hurt you.”

“No, you haven't. I'm fine. I couldn't be happier.”

“Don't give me that nonsense. Do you really think I've believed that your condition could be cured by a kiss and holding you in my arms?”

 _I pull his arms around me._ “It's the only thing that does help. It's the truth I'm feeling much better than I've done for months.”

“You are aware that we can't go on like this. Dumbledore, the Dark Lord..... I can't come to you every night.”

“I know. It's all right. Don't worry about me. I'll manage knowing that you will come whenever you can. Don't take any risks with Voldemort.” _He flinches as I say the name._ “The... Dark... Lord... “

“Don't call him that, only Death Eaters....”

“You call him by that name and many people think I am a Death Eater. Why shouldn't I talk like one?”

“No, Sirius! Absolutely no! I saw what you suggested during the meeting. No way that I let you...”

“It could work. You know that. They'd still accept me. He'd still accept the heir of the Blacks and a second spy in the Order. It's not different from the task Remus has been sent on. We only need a good reason for me to have really changed my mind about....., if Azkaban and you are not reason enough to convince him. I'm not afraid of his Legilimency. As you've said yourself I'm a bit narrow-minded. All he will find is my love for you.”

“I've said no! That's my final word! I don't doubt that it can work. I don't doubt that you are strong enough to hide your secrets.” _He lets his finger run through my hair in a gesture full of care and tenderness that I am ready to endure whatever he asks from me, even if it means sitting here without being able to do anything useful. He smiles at me._ “I doubt my own strength, when he decides to make you pay for your past stubbornness.” _I want to protest, but he puts his finger on my lips._ “No, Sirius, don't do that to me. I haven't mentioned it before, because I don't want to raise false hopes. I'm working on a plan to make the Dark Lord's return hard to ignore for the Ministry. I've got to tread carefully. It may take a few more months until I can trick Pettigrew to reveal himself to the public, but when he does, they must see that you're innocent. Give me a bit more time and promise you won't do anything stupid.”

_A promise I give without hesitation. If Severus says he has a plan, I trust him. Unlike Dumbledore who hasn't tried a single thing to clear my name._

_Oh yes, he sent the kids to save me from the Dementor's Kiss. I owe him. I always will._

_He was the one who condemned me in the first place, long before Halloween. His name was right beside Crouch's under the order that sent me to Azkaban. Innocent until proven guilty.......... unless your name is Black!_

_Don't go near the boy! You are endangering him..... endangering the well-laid plans._

_Wild like Cornish Pixies my mother said before she switched to.... other names. Maybe they were right, maybe that's all I am, reckless, thoughtless, mad. Maybe I am mad to doubt their judgement. They know better, don't they? Dumbledore always knows._

_Nobody ever questioned my guilt. Nobody ever bothered to ask why._

“Sev, ... tell me why you thought I turned sides. Nobody has ever given me a reason. Even if they thought I was wild enough to join Voldemort, how could they believe that I betrayed James.... and Lily? Whatever reason you had I know it was a good one, one I can accept.”

“Sirius, I was wrong about you. Part of it was my own arrogance. I wanted to believe that you had come with me, if I asked, that you had loved me more than you cared for Potter. There was something else.... It doesn't matter anymore.”

_I hesitate to speak for a moment. I wondered myself, had I gone with him, if he asked. I wish I could trust myself to say 'no, I'd never', but if he returned that night and said he'd stay with me...._

“What was the other reason? You believed you succeeded in making me hate you and I really had no idea that you joined them. Tell me please, even if it doesn't matter anymore.”

_Severus takes in a heavy breath._

“I suppose you deserve the truth. It's complicated. I've never really believed it myself. I've never found any evidence. Many others believed it and still believe that....

I thought you hated me, but there was one other person you'd never hate. I thought you had found out that we didn't kill Regulus.”

“What are you talking about? You.... the Death Eaters.... Voldemort? Didn't kill Regulus? But who....? Good Godric! No!!!”

“Sirius, there is another vague possibility. He was so eager to prove himself. He might have killed himself in an attempt to perform Dark Magic or he really wanted out and got killed in trying to cover his tracks, but.... You see I know it wasn't a Death Eater! Your brother is still held in high esteem among the Dark Lord's servants. The Dark Lord himself speaks of him as a martyr to the cause. The Aurors didn't kill him either or it would have been public knowledge. It was the reasonable conclusion to assume he was killed by the Order. I thought, if someone told you.... You wouldn't have listened to Lucius, but perhaps to your cousin Evan. Order members started dying by the numbers, one after the other. I wouldn't have cared, if it had only been them. If I believed they killed him, I had told you about it myself and gladly joined you, but I knew the Dark Lord was after someone else and I couldn't let you kill Lily. Sirius, I was so convinced that you set out to avenge Regulus' death that I overlooked all the other evidence. I should have known that you wouldn't betray your friends.”

_I need time to sort that out. How did my brother die? Why has Dumbledore let me believe....? Severus must have told him. I had even considered that Severus had a hand in it, when I still wanted to hate him. Would I … believed it? It could have happened in a fight. People were killed on both sides. We didn't use the Killing curse, but other curses can be deadly, too... An accident? They would have told me, wouldn't they? Only James, Lily and Remus knew…. suspected that I still cared. The others had no reason to keep it from me. They thought I hated him as much as the rest of the bunch._

_Severus is right it probably was a freak curse, Dark Arts he couldn't handle. I have to trust his judgement again. He knew my brother better than I did. Why hasn't Dumbledore told me?_

_I bury my face on Severus' chest. Hold me! You're the only one I can trust._

_Severus turns my head to face him. He puts a finger on my lips. It tastes sweet like honey and smells of roses and lavender. It makes me think of summer meadows and fields with poppies and ….. of Severus._

_*_

_He wakes me up just after sunrise. I growl a bit, because I don't want to stop dreaming of him. Breakfast together is rare. He usually lets me sleep, unless.... he won't make it back tonight. I'm wide awake in an instant. Don't miss one precious minute._

_I will wait for him and hope and feel guilty about keeping him from the hours of rest he needs so desperately._

_Severus tries to keep my mind occupied with little tasks, but there's only so much I can do. He says I help him. I wish I could do more than just reading dusty old books and faded parchments and taking notes._

_I have to wait several days. When Severus finally arrives, he tells me he has been called by Voldemort. He tries to make light of it, but I'm not stupid. Voldemort gets impatient and his master spy is paying the price. The scratches on his arms and legs are sure signs of the Cruciatus Curse. Clawing at your own flesh in sheer agony. He knows that I know and we don't talk about it. What could be said?_

_I hope he doesn't notice that I still have nightmares. Hallucinatory flashbacks I should call them, because it can happen in broad daylight. When a draft make doors squeak or bang shut, when the fire dies, the curtains flutter or Kreacher's steps in the corridors are the only sounds to be heard. It was easier last year in the cave. I could run until I was so tired that I simply fell asleep or lie in the open watching the skies. No walls, no doors to lock me in. The cold is not from the outside. It's inside me. Only Severus can make it go away. Or I could drink myself into a stupor, my brain so soaked in alcohol that it can't even produce the visions that haunt me. I'm not doing that. I want my mind to be clear when he arrives. I want to be able to remember every single moment we are together to put them up against the other memories. Against the questions, the doubts, against the dark thoughts, Dementors' echoes......_

_How can Dumbledore let it happen? How can he sent Severus back to Voldemort time and time again? To be tortured mentally and physically? To be despised by his allies when he returns? Why doesn't he stop the others talking behind Severus' back, insulting him to his face? Why hasn't he stopped me....back in our school days and until recently? He doesn't need to tell them the full truth, just make them stop talking. I understand Severus doesn't want the truth to be known, not about his task, not about us. It's too dangerous. He needs to keep his cover._

_Severus says it doesn't matter. He couldn't care less what they think of him. It matters to me. I play my part, pretend to hate him as much as ever. It's easy when he is around. Our game of sarcasm works quite well._

“Rest assured, Snape, my feelings towards you haven't changed since our school days.”

“Likewise, Black.”

_We nearly blew our cover, when I warned him of my wand pointing at him under the table. Severus blushed so cutely and replied that he'd curse me to hell, if I get it out. The Weasley boys giggled until they saw their mother's face._

_They glare at us that we can't stop bickering, but when he's gone to work in the library, they declare that they don't trust him either. They ask how I cope with Sev spending so much time in my house. Dumbledore twinkles and makes jokes that are not funny. And I? I stare right through them, silently, hoping they'll leave soon. I'm only interested in what Minerva can tell me about Harry and in the few rumours they can give me about how Remus is doing, After I've heard what they had to say, I wait for them to leave me alone.... with Sev._

_Stolen moments, stolen nights and in the afternoons Dora comes over. She says she wants to keep me company, but what she really wants is talking about Remus. I owe him to tell her of his best. It's difficult to speak about our school days without mentioning Severus and I don't want to pretend we were right. I have to. No way I can confide in her. So it's funny stories about the most harmless of our pranks and praising Remus for – never seriously - trying to stop us. Careful about the times he gave in to me too quickly. She's not stupid. Girls catch up on those things faster than I did._

_She asks the same question I have asked Severus._

“How could you believe that Remus would ever betray you?”

_I give her the simple and nevertheless true answer._

“Two suspects, I knew it wasn't me. When everything else is eliminated what is left however improbable must be the truth. None of us ever considered Peter.”

“Remus believes it was because he is a werewolf.”

“It never mattered to me. I wish he understood that.” _Shut up, Sirius. This is dangerous ground. We had been closer friends, if he wasn't so eager to be liked and accepted. If only he dared to stand up to me. I nearly told him about Severus. I just couldn't talk to James, not about that. Lily might have figured it out later, not that it was Severus, but that it was a boy and worse a Slytherin. I wonder who she thought it was. Maybe she suspected it was Severus. Maybe that's why she never spoke of it._

_*_

_I live only for the nights with Sev. He speaks about his progress to set a trap for Peter, about the time when I will be able to leave this house again. I could move to Hogsmeade under the cover of being close to Harry. Maybe Dumbledore would even find me a place at Hogwarts, assistant to Hagrid perhaps. I would like that and Buckbeak would be so much happier back with the herd._

_Severus has been experimenting with the Muggle medicine Remus has been giving me to ease the nightmares. St. John's wort, it works. Of course it does, after Severus' modifications._

_He has even agreed to teach me how to brew Wolfbane. He is as horrible a teacher as Harry has said. He insults me every time I don't pay attention and never ever admits that I'm making progress. He should have some St. John's wort himself. It helps to relax. I enjoy every single moment of the lessons and he's extremely nice afterwards. It almost looks like I'm not that bad at brewing and he rewards me in his own way. The perfect way, we can share work and pleasure._

_I like the shower together after the brewing. Severus was a bit awkward about it the first time._

“Imagine, Black, I do wash my hair occasionally,” _he snapped at me taking the shampoo bottle._

_I snatched foam from his head and placed it on his nose. He looked a bit like a French poodle with the button nose, a crown of foam on top of his head and long straight black ears on either side of his face._

“I suppose you wash your hair more often than I have done for the last decade.”

“That's why you need a thorough scrubbing.”

“Ouch, you're rubbing my skin off!...... Mmmmhm, that's better, a bit more to the left, yes.... now down...”

_Severus gave me a thorough scrubbing …. rub.... whatever that night. I could get used to it. I am getting used to it. When I get a little cottage in Hogsmeade, we need a large shower and a room for brewing. I'm enjoying it more and more with Severus teaching me._

 

_~Severus~_

_The Mark started burning right before I have been getting ready to leave for London. It's been four days since I've seen him. Dumbledore wanted to meet me at the Hog's Head. Dolores Umbridge has called me in for the umpteenth time. She wants me to find a way into the Headmaster's Office. Ironically Sirius might know how to subvert the protections. Phineas Nigellus' loyalty was to his family first and Hogwarts came second._

_Sirius has said he'll be fine. I know he's been lying._

_I've tried to give him something to do while I am busy spying. He's been a real help. Sirius' understanding of advanced magic still amazes me. Why hasn't Dumbledore made use of his talents?_

_Is it possible that he still doesn't trust him?_

_I clear my mind on the way to the gates. The Dark Lord must not find a trace of Sirius._

_He questions me about him. I give him older memories from a few weeks ago, hopelessly pissed and broken, the long black hair unkempt, restless, wanting out.... Lupin dragging him upstairs, myself watching scornfully. I don't have to lie, I hated to see him..... like that. Let the Dark Lord come to the his own conclusions._

_He asks about Potter. Does he care about his godfather? I say I think so. He wants a definite answer. I shrug, who knows what Potter truly cares about. He hardly knows him. The Dark Lords doesn't like that answer. He doesn't like that I can't tell him where Sirius is hiding. The mechanics of the Fidelius Charm are strong and strange. He can see the images, but not recognize the place. He orders me once again to think of the surroundings, to visualize the house, the front door with the large bronze number 12 and the sign that reads Grimmauld Square, but his mind cannot connect the images. He cannot think of the Headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix and Sirius' hiding place as 12 Grimmauld Place._

_What follows next is not unexpected. There's no real way to prepare for it. There's only pain and agony. He has asked for Black and Potter and Potter and Black is what he gets. When he lifts the curse and I dare to raise my head again after crawling to his feet to kiss the hem of his robes, he smiles._

“You should really try to overcome your grudge against those worthless Bloodtraitors, Severus.”

_He has stopped his Legilimency and contrary to his words seems to enjoy the expression of hatred in my face._

_Back at Hogwarts I crawl into my bed wishing I was hundreds of miles south, but Sirius shall not see me like this. The stupid mutt would probably lock me into his bedroom and jump at Dumbledore's throat next time he sees him. Tomorrow night I will be fine again._

_*_

_Usually Sirius hears the door and rushes to welcome me like an excited dog to his master. Tonight the house is dark and silent. In the kitchen is only Kreacher muttering to himself._

“The Bloodtraitor is in my Mistress' drawing room,” _he says without turning his head._ “Working, he says....”

_Sirius is really working, when I open the door. Judging by the pieces of parchment, the piles of books and the dark shadows under his eyes he can't have done much else since I've left. Yes, there's a blanket beside the fireplace where Padfoot must have slept. I've got to get him out of here as soon as possible.... but who am I to deny that obsession with work helps against madness._

_The papers fly all over the floor when he jumps up to greet me._

“When have you last eaten?” _I ask, getting out a bag from the Indian take-away he loves so much._

_Sirius jerks his head smirking._

“Let me think... I had tea and toast for breakfast and Dora came over for tea yesterday. I'd rather have,” _he sniffs like a dog._ “chicken curry and you for dessert.”

“Spending your afternoons in the company of pretty girls? You'll never change.”

 _He pretends to look guilty._ “What else can I do, when I can't get snarling Slytherins?”

_We clear a space on the floor to sit down and eat. He hasn't lost his healthy appetite. Strange how things change. At school watching him and Potter at the table always made me sick. Not that they didn't have manners. They had and Sirius usually remembered them, but they reminded me of my father's snarls. “Eat like a boy not a bird!” He would have liked it to see loads of potatoes and pork chops disappear from their plates. As if there ever had been loads of potatoes and pork chops on our table._

“Don't tell me off for not eating regularly, when you yourself don't touch the food, Severus. It would be a pity to waste it.”

“You can have my share. I had dinner at Hogwarts.”

“For a double agent you are a pathetic liar, Sev. You eat or I'll feed you!”

“Don't you dare!” _I can't stop the memories of them holding me down and feeding me.... slugs, earthworms, parchment. Laughing, calling it snake food. Sirius remembers, too. He looks down._

“I was an arsehole....”

_He pushes his plate aside. I am not quick enough to avoid his sad grey eyes. The same images that I see in my mind.... mixed with.... men's laughter, cockroaches in porridge, something moving in what vaguely resembles pea soup.... held down, struggling in vain.... more laughter. “Eat or we'll make you!” Padfoot gnawing on rats................_

“It's a pity to waste good food,” _I say and pick a piece from his plate and hold it to his mouth. He smiles and swallows obediently. Feeding each other bite by bite._

“We are messed up, aren't we?”

_We are indeed. I only realize when we go to bed after discussing his work that I have been too casual about healing the scratches from last night. Most wizards would have believed that I ran afoul of a student's cat. Sirius knows.... too well for my liking. What is it about this big, strong, boisterous mutt that makes me want to shield him from the evil of the world?_

… _.and then he laughs and kisses me and his long black hair falls over my face like a veil that hides us both and I can believe in a future. We are together again after all and that proves anything is possible._

_*_

_Dumbledore has asked me about my work in Sirius' house. He seems to be more worried about that than about my meetings with the Dark Lord. I've told him I chain and muzzle the mongrel, if he tries to bite. Dumbledore chuckled. I'm not sure he realized I was joking. Would he care, if I was not?_

_Messed up as we are, I haven't been that happy for more than a decade. Sirius is getting more stable every time I see him. I mean stable, not just euphoric. While I have been forced to stay at Hogwarts, I have experimented with the Muggle potion Lupin tried to make him drink. I think I could make significant improvements. Sirius jokes that it looks like blood and I am trying to make him a vampire, but he drinks it every single drop and in time._

_Umbridge wanted to know what I am working on._

“Just experimenting,” _I said. Fortunately she doesn't know enough about potions to notice that it is an anti-dementor draught._

_I've moved my cauldron to Grimmauld Place though. Sirius should learn how to make it himself, just in case._

_Nymphadora has asked me to teach her how to brew Wolfbane. I refused. I don't want to waste my scarce free time with her... waste it for the happiness of the werewolf. Sirius persuaded me to change my mind. I'll be starting giving her private lessons in his house during the summer holidays._

_He wants to learn, too. He can do it, if he pays attention. He lacks the intuitive feel, but he has the mind to remember the instructions precisely. He's still fooling around a bit._

_When I told him to cut the Aconite into cubes, he cut it into exact cubes and used a calliper to measure them._

“Only following your instructions, Professor.”

_He is not joking at stages that really matter._

_I don't mind this kind of gratitude to the werewolf as long as Sirius leaves doing him other favours to Nymphadora who visits after work. I've met her a few times, when I managed to get away from school early._

_We have to be careful around her. Though not nearly as cunning as her mother, she might catch up on us, if she took a minute to think about anything but Lupin. Luckily the others have no idea and wouldn't believe it anyway._

_Sirius is getting impatient with them. After a meeting of the Order or whenever a few of them dropped by for any reason, he takes a lot of effort to make me feel appreciated and trusted. They are talking behind my back. So what? I don't care what they think.... except for Minerva perhaps. I've always respected her, tried to excel in her classes. She however has always been fond of Sirius and Potter. They have been brilliant in Transfiguration, effortlessly. I had to practise hard to keep up with them – much like Sirius with Potions - but Minerva noticed, when I managed. She is fair. I thought I had earned her respect in all those years of working together. Her face turned to stone when Dumbledore told them that I was... have been... am a Death Eater. I don't think she voices her suspicions in public, but...._

_No, it doesn't really matter what they think. In Sirius' arms nothing else matters – for a few hours._

_I'm glad that I've told him about my plan with Pettigrew. We're making our own plans what we will do once he's a free man again. He's sucking up everything that gives him hope like a dry sponge. For all those years he denied himself the solace of hope. Hope feeds Dementors! He still mutters those words in his sleep._

_*_

_On full moon Sirius decorated the drawing room with paper garlands and candles to celebrate our 'lunaversary'. I have no idea what he has told Nymphadora and I don't dare to ask. She supplied us with food for a romantic dinner. Picnic on silk cushions on the floor in front of the fireplace. He's completely mad and …. I don't mind. I don't mind sipping champagne and rolling over the cushion, because it tickles when Sirius poured some into my naval. He does things, makes me do things I've never dreamed of. I think of the shy, inexperienced boy of our 7th year, the one I had to show how to do it. I feel jealous about how and with whom he learned his skills. Sirius immediately notices and asks._

“Sev? Is there....? Have I done anything wrong?”

_I call myself a petty idiot. I have been the one who pushed him away, into the arms of those others._

“You have done nothing wrong, Sirius. Nothing at all.” _I don't sound very convincingly._

_He holds my hands in his, looking at me as if he is trying Legilimency on me. I know he can't read my thoughts, but he can read my heart._

“None of them meant anything to me. I've cheated on myself, because I've only ever been thinking of you. I've tried to learn as much as possible hoping, when the time came I could win you back. You deserve the best I can do.”

“And you think you can now offer the best? Arrogant prat!”

“If you see room for improvement, I'm always ready to learn new tricks. Teach me, Professor.”

“Are you running out of ideas?”

“Not at all, but we have all the time in the world for private lessons and trying out new things. We don't need to rush.”

“Yes, all the time in the world....,” _I whisper pulling him into a kiss._ “Till death doth us part...”

 _Sirius stops the kiss, takes my face between his hands._ “Forever, there's no Dark Art not even death that can stop me loving you.”

“Romantic fool....”

_Sirius smiles siriusly and…. no, he hasn't run out of ideas._

 


	5. Chapter 5

~Remus~

It's been one month now since I have been sent to befriend the werewolves. They are suspicious of my past closeness to wizards. The most welcoming reaction is bemusement about my failure to live a normal life. The younger ones envy me that I had the chance to go to Hogwarts and become a fully trained wizard. The older ones however appreciate my skills. They hope that I may teach the cubs to do magic. I pretended to agree. Dumbledore hasn't given me instructions concerning this matter, but I think they deserve a chance.

On full moon they have put me to a test. We went hunting in the deep forests on the continent. I took a few of the young ones by side-along Apparition, one after the other. We killed several deer and one elk, no men, thank Godric. It was fun however, more than I like to admit. Almost like in my school days with Padfoot and Prongs and… Wormtail. Almost, because this time I was one of the leaders. I can't describe the feeling, the tracking of the game, the chase, running with the pack, tearing the flesh with my fangs, the warm blood on my flews.

I've never felt so much alive.

Sirius will understand. Padfoot doesn't mind a good chase and a quick kill. He has never felt guilty about it.

“It's in our nature. There's nothing wrong with it.”

The werewolves are different from what I expected or maybe they are not.... not so different from myself. They don't lock themselves in during full moon, but they go to remote places avoiding men. Most of them are not at all like Greyback. They would kill the lonely traveller in the wilderness, but they do not seek him. An old woman took me aside and asked what it is like to drink Wolfbane. I tried to describe the freedom from desire and fury, keeping your mind. She listened and nodded and went away. Many want to stay neutral. They don't expect much from either side. Only a small group follows Greyback. They are looked upon with even more suspicion than I am. There seems to be an agreement among the adult werewolves that hunting for human prey will get us into more trouble with the Aurors.

On the second week I have made my own experiences with Aurors. Suspicious individuals are under surveillance. My house was searched for werewolf propaganda. Tonks brought home-made biscuits and we enjoyed a nice quiet afternoon together. I haven't ask whether or not this was in agreement with Dumbledore's orders. It didn't do me any harm with the werewolves. They seem to take occasional harassment by the Ministry for granted.

I must have become a very suspicious individual, because she visited me again the following week, with chocolate cake. She said he had been seeing Sirius and Snape. Sirius seems to be doing fine, even with Snape in the house. Snape agreed to teach her about Wolfbane in summer. She seems to think Sirius persuaded him. What a strange idea! The only way Sirius could have influenced Snape is by promising to drink all the failed attempts.

Tonks laughed, when I said it. “They aren't that bad. Actually I think they are getting along.”

The more I think about it, the more worried I get. Sirius is so helpless, so desperate for company. What power has Snape over him? What has he done to him? I imagine the most horrible things. Imperius Curse? A potion to break his will? Tonks mentioned that Sirius is drinking a potion regularly. Something to cope with the effect the Dementors still have on him she says. We have tried some Muggle stuff before, but it didn't work very well. I shouldn't have left him. I should find a way to check on him. The thought that he may depend on Snape's potion, forced to do his bidding …..

Tonks came to see me again after full moon. Her reports about Sirius are getting worse. She says he's happy, not drinking at all. I don't care what Dumbledore says. The werewolves are not good at Apparating. I can get rid of them, if they are trying to follow me.

They are not. I Apparate with several stops all over the country. No one to be seen.

It's about four o'clock when I finally reach Grimmauld Square. The door is not locked, not to someone who knows the basic passwords. Despite the early hour there's light in the kitchen. I manage not to wake Sirius' mother as I walk down the hall. The light I've seen comes only from the fire. A man wearing the silk pyjamas Andromeda has sent for Christmas is bend over a bubbling cauldron. He turn his head when I enter.

Snape? What the hell?

“What are you doing here, Snape?”

He sneers as if he secretly enjoys to be caught red handed.

“Isn't it obvious, Lupin? I'm brewing. I'm nearly done stirring, so if you please sit down over there and let me finish. I'll be there for you in a minute.”

I want to slap the smug bastard, but despite his casual tone I see that he stirs with his left hand. In his right he has his wand ready to stop me, if I try anything.

“You! You are wearing Sirius' pyjamas!” I yell for lack of words to express my fury.

“Well.... yes, Sirius doesn't wear them, so he said I could have them.”

How dare you? How do you dare to act like you know.... have a right to know what Sirius wears at night?

Snape continues to stir his cauldron, counting the rounds, changing direction....

I start feeling like an idiot sitting here in a corner and waiting for him to finish brewing. I'm not the one who has no business here!

Now he has stopped stirring, checks the heat and sits down at the other end of the large table.

“What kind of emergency brought you here, Lupin? It must be very urgent, because Dumbledore's orders about avoiding contact have been pretty clear.”

He's questioning me?

“No emergency. I am a capable wizard, even if you doubt it. I can leave my house unseen and cover my tracks. I came here to check on Sirius. Right in time as it looks like. What are you brewing?”

Snape bursts out in laughter. He laughs at me!

“Sirius is fine; he will be touched how much you care. He's sleeping, having nice dreams for a change I suppose.”

“Answer my question, Snape! What are you brewing? What have you done to Sirius?”

“I doubt you really want to know in detail....”

I will curse him, if he doesn't stop....

There are noises the hall and the door is pushed open. Sirius scuffles into the room, half-naked, only wearing a sheet around his waist. He's rubbing his eyes and yawning.

“Sev.... where have you been? You gave me a fright, when I woke up and you were gone.... Come back to bed.”

He puts his hand on Snape's shoulder and leans down to................ kiss him?????

“Sirius, you have a guest.”

Sirius is suddenly wide awake and stares at me.

“Re...Remus?!? What are you doing here? Are you all right? Have the werewolves.....?”

“No need to worry, Sirius, it looks like he only.... missed you.” Snape replies. He has gotten a woollen blanket and wraps it around Sirius' shoulders. This is getting ridiculous. “I'm afraid the cauldron has to simmer on low heat for a while. You need the blanket to stay warm.”

Snape must have hit me with a Confundus charm, something to make me see things which can't happen. It looks as if he truly cares and Sirius...? He hates to be treated like that. He always hated it! He would have told me to go to hell, if I.... He accepts the blanket from Snape obediently, even gratefully, though looking a bit embarrassed.

I can't watch that any longer! “Get your hands off him, Snape!”

“Or what?” Snape laughs.

I want to hex him as badly as I can, but Sirius has moved right between us, shielding him.

“Put your wand away, Remus! You too, Sev! Let us deal with this like adults.

Wands away, I've said!”

I have no idea where in his sheet he has kept his own wand, but he's pointing it at me. With his other hand he has grabbed Snape's hand and forces it down. Snape reluctantly pockets his wand with a disdainful smirk and places his free hand on Sirius' shoulder.

Sirius looks exasperated, his wand still pointing at me.

“Remus, please.”

He says the word, but it's not a plea. I have no choice, because I don't want to risk hexing him or making him hex me. I don't doubt he will, if I don't do his bidding. Sirius is not acting under Imperious Curse or a love potion. He wouldn't have been able to tell Snape to lower his wand under such influence.

“What is going on here? What's wrong with you, Sirius? What is he doing here?”

Sirius looks at Snape and sits down at my end of the table. He rests his head in his hands and takes several deep breaths. Then he raises his face and looks right at me.

“Look, Remus.... I'm sorry. I never wanted you to find out like this.”

“Find out what? That you've gone completely mad?”

“I'm not mad, not at all! Remus, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have ….....

I wanted to tell you fair and square that I made a mistake, but.... I didn't know how. ….........I've tried to tell you, remember? I've told you there is somebody else...”

“Somebody else? Snape? You said it was James!”

“No, I didn't! You assumed it was James and I let you, because it was easier, less embarrassing. How could I tell you that it is Severus? That it always was Severus! I had no idea, no hope that he still cared for me at the time..............Like you said I am still alive. What you said about warmth and comfort sounded so good.... I wanted to believe we could make it work. Really, I did. I've tried....”

I try to make sense of what Sirius says, about how sorry he is, that he should have told me the truth, that he should have said no....

To me! Not to Snape!

There's a lump in my throat, anger, betrayal, loss....

“Severus, could you please leave us alone. I need to talk to Remus. You've promised to let me handle this....”

Snape has put his hand on Sirius'. Sirius pulls his hand away. Snape glares at me.

“Please Sev....”

“You should get dressed before you discuss serious matters with your.... friend.”

Sirius frowns at which Snape rises from the table and leaves the kitchen without another word.

Pulling the blanket tighter around his chest Sirius sighs. “Can you give me a minute, Remus?”

I nod and he follows Snape upstairs..... to their bedroom. Sirius' bedroom... 'when I woke up and you were gone' …. Obviously he doesn't sneak away from Snape to sleep alone. I wish I had seen proof that Snape controls Sirius.... but I'm not that stupid. Sirius means it. He loves Snape and ….. Snape? Who knows what Snape is up to?

I knew right from the beginning it was to good to be true. How could I have ever believed that Sirius once he's feeling better would stay with me? I've been nothing more than a distraction.

'It always was Severus!' Always.... how long is that?

Since school.... When he disappeared without telling us where he went, he met with Snape. James wanted to follow him to find out who he was seeing. Lily and I talked him out of it. For once we succeeded.

'He will tell you when it gets serious.'

Not even James really wanted to raise Sirius' fury for meddling in his affairs. We didn't ask questions during the months after Hogwarts. Sirius was discreet and he did his duty in the Order. Everything else was not our business. It lessened when Lily got pregnant and ended when Harry was born.

How could I be so blind? How could we all be so blind? All this distrust and hatred and when Snape snapped his fingers, Sirius ran back to him, tail wagging.

How can he believe that Snape will stay with him this time? He probably doesn't care, no more than I cared that Sirius said he doesn't love me. I'm as stupid as he is. I can't even be angry with him. He was honest. He warned me. He told me that there is somebody else. He told me that he'd never stop loving this other guy. I said I'd take the risk. I believe him that he has tried.

I will give in again. I have already forgiven him. I've always known it was just a dream. I will be there, when Snape hurts him again. That's what I do, what I've always done.

Damn you, Sirius Black!

 

~Sirius~

Remus is still there when I get back to the kitchen. Resigned, patient, sad....and ready to forgive me again. Severus has said “Don't let him make you feel guilty!”

I smiled sadly. Remus always makes me feel guilty and ashamed.... and he always brings the worst out in me. I want him to accuse me, to yell, to just tell me what an arsehole I've been! He never does.

I'm really sorry. I've never wanted to hurt him. That makes it worse, doesn't it?

I put the kettle on. Tea always helps. Firewhiskey might be even better. I put the bottle and two glasses on the table and sit down opposite of him, close but not too close.

Remus stares at it and pushes it away.

“How long has this been going on?”

“End of 7th year. It just happened... “ I shrug.

Remus smiles wryly. “No, I meant this time.”

“Full moon, when you were gone. Severus came for some books and...”

“....and you threw yourself in his arms... at his feet.... the moment he was willing to have you back? …. I'm not as stupid as you think. It was him who ended it, wasn't he? Do you think we didn't notice what you were doing after we finished school? What was it? Trying to prove you get along without him or hoping to make him jealous enough to have you back?”

“Does it matter? Both I suppose.... he only wanted to keep me safe. Sev never believed that we had a chance. He did a pretty good job to make me believe that he never cared..... but it didn't change my feelings. I still loved him.”

“It worked this time. When he noticed you were with somebody else, he suddenly decided….”

“No! It's not like that! Maybe I thought of the first, but not the latter. I really wasn't trying to get him back, when we... I'd never use you like that. I had lost all hope long ago that he would still....”

“What makes you believe that he does? Get real, Sirius! It's Snape we're talking about! Snivellus! Slytherin snake! Dark Arts oddball! Don't you remember that he wanted to hand you over to the Dementors? That's the kind of kiss you've got to expect from him!”

“Grow up, Moony! We're not 16 any more.” Why can't he stop blaming it all on Sev? “And no, we're not talking about Sev. We are talking about my mistake to have accepted your kind offer, when I knew I only loved him. I'm sorry that I didn't dare to be honest with you, …. I've tried to be fair, tried not to hurt you. I've really tried. You have done so much for me, been a real friend.... I understand that you're angry with me. You have every right to be. Say what you want about me, but I will not discuss Severus with you!”

“You've completely lost it! We are talking about ….Severus! Next you're going to tell me what a wonderful man he is, Prince Charming, the love of your life...”

“He is!” I say quietly which makes Remus more furious than I've ever seen him before. He hasn't understood a word I've said.

He's the one who's lost it now.

“Stop thinking with your prick or arse and for just one minute forget whatever little dark Slytherin tricks Snape knows to please you….”

“That's enough!” I yell.

“No, it's not! If you don't care about yourself and your sanity, fine. If you want to forget about your friends and the Order, all right. But what about your responsibility to Harry? You're the only family he has. The boy noticed the state you have been in. He's not stupid. What are you going to tell him, when he comes here for summer? 'Sorry Harry, I'm fucking Snape. I know he's your least favourite teacher, but I can't be bothered with such trivial matters.' ? Snape hates the boy and don't tell me it's just an act.“

“Do you think Harry was more delighted, if I was fucking his most favourite teacher?“ I snap at him.

The colour has left Remus' face. He's biting his lip.

“I'm sorry, I didn't mean to... We will be more discrete with Harry in the house. He must not know before it's all over. Nobody should know. If you start blabbing and Voldemort hears about it, Severus is a dead man. But you won't tell, will you? Promise me, Remus. Promise you will keep our secret.”

“You never mean to.... “ he laughs bitterly. “It's ironic, but you really never mean any harm. You're just yourself. I will not tell. The Order needs him and Harry needs you. I will keep your secret. You can laugh at me again with your lover! The pathetic werewolf who never can say no to you. Always forgiving, giving in to all your folly, just for fear to lose you – as if I ever had you - your friendship.”

“I've always been your friend, Remus. If you just opened your eyes, you would have known. All you ever had to do in return was to be my friend.”

“I understand perfectly. The more I tried, the less I got. I can't help it, it's the way I am.”

“I know. I can't help being the way I am either. I cannot be your lover. It was wrong to pretend I could.

I am your friend. I don't want to lose you .....”

“I need to go, Sirius. Before I'm making an even greater fool of myself. You'll try not to let Snape make a fool of yourself, won't you? No more of a fool than you already are.”

I'm never sure whether it is his greatest strength to accept without complaint or his greatest weakness. Out of old habit I try to give him a friendly hug. He remains stiff as a poker and I let go immediately.

“Take care, Moony.” I whisper.

He nods, “You too, Padfoot,” and leaves the kitchen.

I fill my glass and turn it in my hands, not drinking. I wish I had been more kind, but maybe those things can't be done kindly. Remus will not betray us. Dumbledore might find out and get angry, but Remus will not tell the others. I haven't even asked how things are with the werewolves. It's not that I don't care. I do. I don't want him to get hurt.

Where's Sev? He must have heard the door. I haven't heard the door.... until now. The kitchen door swings open and Severus closes his arms around me. I lean back against him. Hold me! I need you so much!

He takes up the bottle and fills the other glass.

“We both need one now,” he says softly.

We drink in silence. Then I stand up and wrap the blanket half around my shoulders again, holding the other half out as an inviting.

“I need a bit of fresh air. Are you coming?”

“Sirius! You are not going out!”

I chuckle. “No, I'm not. I meant the backyard. You can't say anything against that, can you? It's a nice clear summer night. I want to see the sky and a few stars, smell earth. With you at my side, in my arms. Just something normal people do, when they're happy.”

“Stargazing? There won't be much to see in the middle of the city with all the Muggle lights. …........,” he takes his share of the blanket though. “One day ...... we will watch the real night sky at Hogwarts. Maybe you can show me Regulus and Sirius then. It's been so many years since Reg did.”

“No chance now, they are only visible in winter. On your birthday look south and Sirius will twinkle for you.”

“For us....”

Severus has been right the city lights are too bright to see many stars. They haven't been in my childhood, though it could never compare to the sky at Hogwarts.

The yard is even in a worse state of neglect than the house. It's hard to imagine that it once was a playing ground for Regulus and me. 30 years ago the brick walls were covered with rambler roses, honeysuckle and grape ivy. Reggie and I were chasing each other on toy brooms or made tin wizards duel. When I got my first real broom, my father put up a barrier to stop me from flying to high. I wonder, if it's still there and cast a spell to check. A pale flash runs around the walls.

Severus raises his eyebrows questioningly.

“Child protection wards, “ I explain.

“Regulus told me,” Severus replies.

“I hated it.”

“We can undo them.”

I shake my head. “We can't. Don't you remember Golpalott's Law? They are part of the overall protections. It would take weeks to disentangle the interwoven charms and wards. I'll probably have to undo them all after the war and rebuild the wards from scratch. My father has added even more in his paranoia after I left.”

Severus pulls out a little flask.

“Where do you want to go?”

I look at him in disbelieve.

“You mean get out of here?”

“Yes, make up your mind, before I regret the offer.”

“Anywhere in the country, open space, open skies.”

“Drink and take my arm. I'll take you side-along.”

The Polyjuice tastes horrible. I shrink to Severus' height and have to roll up the legs of my jeans and my sleeves. Better open the button of my jeans, because I've gone round in the middle. It doesn't matter what I look like. I'm getting out of here!

We Apparate on a bleak empty field. The moors? The sky is full of stars. The wind ruffles our hair. Severus wraps the blanket tighter around my shoulders, but that isn't necessary. I don't feel cold outside. Severus can have the blanket.

It's a pity that I can't turn into Padfoot in this body. I feel like running, just running and rolling on the ground. We walk instead, hand in hand. Walking, one step after the other, no walls to stop us, I missed that so much. We turn around when the yellow lights of a farmhouse shine through hedges. Better not take chances.

An owl is hooting in the distance, just an ordinary, wild owl, not a wizard's pet. There is a rustling noise under the heather, a shrew searching for spiders not a rat. Don't get caught by the owl, little thing.

Time is running too fast. We have to return before the potion wears off. I break a twig from the heather and put it in my pocket.

Severus presses my hand.

“We can do that again in a few weeks. Next time I'll have Polyjuice for both of us.”

I throw my arms around his neck and kiss him. It feels strange in this body I'm not used to control. The angle is wrong; his nose is getting in the way somehow.

“Close your eyes and hold on to me.”

The next moment we're back in the yard. Before I've even recovered from the horrible feeling of Apparition my body twists and wobbles again and I'm back to myself.

Severus is still holding me. Our trip to freedom was short, too short, but it means so much to me. That he is the only one who understands, means so much to me. I'm trying to be reasonable. I won't endanger the Order. I won't endanger Harry! It's just.... not that easy. There were moments, when I almost forgot that there is something outside this house. When it all seems to be a nightmare send by the Dementors, locked up at the place of my worst memories. Is it really childish to ask for something to do, anything to do?

'Act like an adult, Sirius.'

'You're safe and comfortable. Don't complain!'

'Don't burden the boy with worries about you!'

I'm trying to do the latter and I probably fail. I don't want anyone to worry about me and there's no need to worry, if they just let me.... be.

  

~Severus~

I let Sirius deal with the werewolf as promised. I'm not really worried that Lupin can make him change his mind. No, I am not! I am worried that Lupin makes him feel bad about us.... bad about not being as kind as Lupin..... wants to appear. That's what he does, making everyone look mean and feel guilty in comparison to his own selfless kindness. Selfless? I don't deny he'd do anything to win Sirius' heart, anything to please him. He spent the best part of this year caring for him, but you cannot earn love. It's a gift, undeserved and unconditional.

Lily taught me that lesson. Nothing I did could have turned her heart towards me. Sirius taught me how it works. He just loves me, because.... no because, just love. Like I love him, like I couldn't stop loving him, when I hated him and he still loved me, after I pushed him away.

I can hear them yelling at each other.

“Get real, Sirius!”

“Grow up, Moony! …..... I will not discuss Severus with you! …. That's enough!”

Sirius is defending me. I knew he would, but I'm not used to someone doing it.

They turn quieter again and I can't understand any more. Minutes later the door opens, “Take care, Moony.” “You too, Padfoot.”

Lupin looks sad and worried. When he sees me sitting on the stairs, he straightens up.

“Don't worry, Snape. I won't tell anyone....”

Before I even realize what I'm doing I say: “Thank you, Lupin....”

“Not for you, Snape. I couldn't care less what happens to you.....,” he jerks his head to the closed door. “ but he loves you. No idea what he sees in you. The way his eyes lighten up when he looks at you, when he speaks your name. I've never seen him like that. Never, not even with James! When he held baby Harry in his arms perhaps....”

The jealousy I've felt is gone. Lupin surprises me.

“You are still his friend?”

“Of course, I am! If you hurt him, you'll see! You don't have any idea what it's like to be really attacked by a werewolf.”

I can't help smiling.

“Lupin..... Remus, I assure you I won't hurt him ever again. I.....”

Remus Lupin swallows and looks at me very intensely.

“You do love him, don't you? As much as he loves you? No ulterior motives?”

“None. ….. Remus...., Sirius doesn't know what you did that night. The night before you... As far as I'm concerned, he will never know.”

He turns pale.

“You know? And you didn't tell him? Severus, why? You could have gotten rid of me forever, if you told him.”

“Sirius needs you. As a friend.”

Remus' outstretching hand is slightly shaking as he says goodbye. I rush back into the kitchen to find Sirius sitting at the table. He looks thoughtful, but not as if he regrets that I'm still here.

When he says he need fresh air I'm shocked at first. He must not be seen. He laughs at my reaction ….only the backyard. Why not watch the stars? We've never done that. There are so many things we've never done.

Sirius, the star that shines for me on my birthday, I've never thought of that.

He looks so disappointed when all those neon lights of the city have turned the night sky to an undistinguishable grey mass. He has told me that he sneaked out of his cell in Azkaban as Padfoot to watch the stars. Dumbledore's prison doesn't allow even this small comfort.

There is a way to escape if only for an hour. In the company of a Black Apparition is possible from the yard. Regulus had trusted me with this secret, when we were freshly initiated Death Eaters and he had not yet passed his Apparition test. Sirius doesn't notice that I should not know about this or he can guess who told me and doesn't mind.

I almost expect that he will start running around in circles or turn somersaults as soon as we arrive at the deserted patch of the Moors I remember from my childhood. He doesn't. He stays calm and simply takes in the endless space he had missed so long. We walk side by side, silently. There is no need to put his happiness into words or say thank you.

Occasionally Sirius stops and listens to noises I've hardly noticed. Every muscle in his body is tense as he scans the surroundings like a hound, nothing escapes his attention. I don't care what Dumbledore says. He needs to get out.

Thinking of all those hypocrites who call themselves his friends, I sneer. They may talk about his moods and his drinking, about his restlessness and apparent immaturity, but none of them would have lasted more than a few months in Azkaban. It takes so little to keep him sane and they deny him even that.

Back at Grimmauld Place we fill the finished potion into flasks and store them in the pantry. It will last for several weeks.

 

*

Sirius puts the twig of heather under his pillow. So little.....

“If you don't mind, I'll stay for the day. They will get along without me at the school.”

I try to be nice and am rewarded with gentle slobbering all over my hands and face.

“Sirius, please! Stop that!”

Of course he doesn't. Instead he puts his paws on my shoulders to keep me down and unable to move. I struggle in vain to throw him off. His hair is tickling my nose. 

“Get off! …. Stop it! … Off! Down! …. Sirius, please. Let me.... breathe...”

A barking laughter is the answer and he rolls aside, jerking his head in his infuriating, cute puppy manner.

“You're not a man who can turn into a dog. You are a dog who can turn into a man, you mad mongrel.” I laugh.

“Would make things much easier, wouldn't it?”

“I don't appreciate the idea of taking a dog to my bed.”

“This is my bed. You should feel honoured that Padfoot allows you in. He doesn't do that for anyone else.”

“Maybe I should be glad that you haven't transfigured the four-poster into a dog basket?”

“Do I look like I'd sleep in a basket or on a blanket on the floor. We've had enough of that in the past. No thanks, it's beds for me and Padfoot. By the way while Padfoot really likes you, because I do, he is not sexually attracted to human beings. In fact you would have to transfigure yourself into an Airedale terrier bitch to seduce him. …. I remember he had a crush on a very pretty sheepdog in Hogsmeade when we were 17. The way she wiggled her crupper could drive every healthy male dog crazy.”

“Sirius, don't make me even think of that.....” Before my inner eye I see an endless line of fluffy black and white puppies walking the streets of Hogsmeade doing all kind of mischief in good old family tradition.

Sirius can guess my thoughts and blinks his eyes. “You know that the inherent magic of Animagi transformation doesn't allow the wizard to procreate in animal form, don't you? As sad as it is, we can't have a Black puppy. Nature protects itself against such abominations. Not that some wizards haven't tried.”

Of course I know. “Change of subject, please.”

“Fine with me.” Sirius still smiles. “As a man I am sexually attracted to you and I'm not sleepy at all. What do you think? Let's have a bit of fun without the dog?”

“No more slobbering!”

“Licking, sucking and biting allowed?”

Yes, definitely! Who'd refuse such an offer? But first.... I pull him into a non-slobber kiss, slow and gentle, our lips touching, the tips of our tongues playing with each other. There is lust and desire. Our cocks grow and twitch, demanding attention, but there's more than that. There always was more than that. I ….. love that stupid....reckless …. mad..... idiot of a man and for some odd reason which still eludes me.... he loves me.

Sirius wants to crawl down to take care of my cock, but I stop him.

“ Let's do each other.”

Each time he takes in more of me and licks over the tip, I follow suit and swallow more of his, circle the tip with my tongue which encourages even more effort from him and me in return, until it can't be told who's turning on whom. It doesn't matter anyway. We shiver and moan and still, give and take. Take pleasure in giving pleasure and get lost in receiving. Sometimes he's on top, sometimes I am. I feel like losing my mind amidst his moans and squeals. I must have lost my mind, because the thought doesn't make me nervous. All I want is making him come and come myself and then I want to crawl up, kiss him goodnight and fall asleep in his arms.

I wake up when Sirius enters the room with a breakfast tray. The sun is shining through the gap in the curtains. I almost jump in shock, then I remember that I've said I stay. I don't regret my decision. Breakfast in bed is nice; Sirius for breakfast is even nicer.

The crumbs of toast vanish as soon as they fall on the sheets. Sirius laughs at my astonishment.

“There are some advantages in a house which has been home to generations of lazy, spoiled, deviant Purebloods. All sheets are spelled to remove annoying crumbs. Don't ask me who has done it or when, but I won't complain.“

“Me neither.”

When we have finished eating, Kreacher arrives to take away the tray. He glares balefully, but refrains from muttering his insults.

I express my concern about him talking to anyone about 'us'.

“No need to worry, he's strictly forbidden to talk, write or in any form communicate about you unless I inquire personally. That doesn't stop him from telling me what he thinks when we're alone, but he won't say a word in the presence of any other living being.”

“What about the portraits? They've seen enough to blab.”

“They are family. Whatever they think of my preferences, they won't discuss it with an outsider. The only one we need to be careful around is Phineas Nigellus. As you know he's honour-bound to obey the headmaster's orders, but as long as Dumbledore doesn't ask directly.....”

“For a Gryffindor Bloodtraitor you have immense trust in the discretion of your Slytherin ancestors.” I chuckle.

“I trust them to be Slytherins. If one portrait broke that unwritten rule and betrayed the family secrets, there was a pyre in the backyard. They enjoy hanging around and therefore stay quiet.”

I remember that Regulus said something along the same lines so many years ago.

What would he have said about Sirius and me? Had he accepted that his brother was with a Halfblood? Had he accepted that I turned my back on our cause? I think he would have understood. Another task is waiting for us in the future, finding out what really happened to Regulus. A task we can pursue together, when we are free of all the things which bind us now. 

Sirius is watching me.

“A knut for your thoughts.”

“Regulus...”

Sirius smiles sadly. “It's hard not to think of him in this house, isn't it? He would have been happy for us, probably the only one....

What are we going to do today?”

“I will take a shower now.”

“Good idea, let's take a shower..... I love it when you're almost insatiable.”

“I meant....,” my protests are ignored and I'm pulled and pushed over to the bathroom. Sirius' hands and mouth are all over me under the running hot water. Insatiable.....

“Have you ever tried giving a blow job in a tub using Gillyweed?”

I only moan in reply.

“Bring some next time, will you?”

Do I have a right to be so happy? Am I allowed to imagine what he will do with the Gillyweed? We are not doing anything wrong. Love can't be wrong. Dumbledore always says so himself.


	6. Chapter 6

~Albus Dumbledore~ 

One of my contacts has informed me that Remus Lupin secretly went to Grimmauld Place. He assured me that Remus had covered his tracks successfully, but nevertheless he risked everything to see Sirius.

Sirius Black has always meant trouble, more trouble than he was worth. Like that other boy so many years ago. Golden hair where Sirius' is dark, eyes that reflected the sky on a summer's day and turned cold as stone when opposed. One would do anything to make him smile.... I would have nearly done....

I went to see Remus the next day. He wasn't in a good state, had tried to drown his sorrows in fire-whiskey. Poor Remus! I had hoped he would recover when they were separated. Sirius doesn't do him good.

It had never occurred to me that it could be even worse. I should have seen it, all that hatred, all that passion. Since 7th year.... Remus thoughts were like an open book.

“.....I will always love him. ….. Severus.....”

I saw Sirius trying to apologize, making excuses and Remus' own memories of their last weeks at school. Then I saw Severus, Severus who committed himself to do anything to protect Harry Potter, now obviously only caring for his lover.

“Remus, I assure you I won't hurt him ever again.”

Sirius again, pleading with Remus....

“If you start blabbing and Voldemort hears about it, Severus is a dead man.”

A least they were aware of that. If Voldemort found out about their little love affair, we all were lost. I can't do without Severus' information, without his assistance. Didn't they care about Harry any more? Not much it seemed! They were reckless. Severus may have thought he could hide his feelings from Voldemort, but it could have been anyone to see them that night. Someone who couldn't defend himself against the intrusion of his mind. They didn't even consider to Obliviate Remus. The first thing I corrected as soon as I knew all I needed to know.

*

They knew what I wanted to talk about, when I arrived at Grimmauld Place three days later. I needed that time to make my own preparations. They were equally prepared to defend their love.

I had brought a bottle of Rosmerta's Oak-matured Mead and put it on the table. They ignored it.

Now that I knew the signs were impossible to overlook. Sirius stayed quiet and calm. He looked at Severus as they sat down side by side.

“We need to find a way out of the situation the sudden discovery of your feelings for one another has put us in. “

Sirius glared at me, but he still didn't say a word. Severus had really managed to tame the mad dog.

He had avoided my eyes up to that moment and now spoke, calmly, determinedly.

“We have been careless, Headmaster. We have talked it through. It won't happen again. Lupin was the only one who could enter the house unnoticed. Sirius, “ Severus smiled at him. “has already changed the wards to stop that. “

“You have been careless indeed. If Remus Lupin had talked to someone, upset and confused as he was, all you have ….. all we have worked for would have been ruined.”

“Remus can be trusted. He won't tell anyone. He understands the danger.” Sirius objects.

“I've seen to it that he can't talk about what he saw.”

“What a pity that you can't Obliviate us, too. 17 years of memories are not that easily erased and you need your spy in full possession of his mental abilities to withstand the interrogations and torture you put him through.” The dog can still growl.

“Sirius, you've promised... I'm doing this by my own free will. You know why.”

Severus had put his hand on Sirius' arm in an attempt to calm him down. Sirius shook it off impatiently, but instead of continuing to rant at me, he took hold of Severus' hand with both of his.

“ I accept what you do to protect Harry and I can't tell you how grateful I am that you do what I cannot. But that doesn't mean I like it! It doesn't mean I like that HE takes it for granted!”

“Sirius, Severus' informations are invaluable to our fight, essential for the protection of Harry...”

“Don't treat me like an idiot, Dumbledore. I said I accept Severus' work for the Order. I understand the necessity and won't interfere with it. If you don't trust me, rest assured that Severus won't let me interfere with his work. We will be more careful from now on. Harry won't notice anything. Just allow me to be there for Severus...”

“Sirius had been helping me during the last few weeks, Headmaster. The research he could do not only saved me a lot of time and effort. He found things I might have missed. We work well as a team.”

“We're not doing anything wrong, Dumbledore. We're not the first or only couple in the Order.”

“No, you're not.” Did I feel regret to do what had to be done? No, it was necessary. Sirius' reaction has convinced me even more. If he thought Severus was in danger, he'd rush to his help. And Severus? I know that he will do anything for his lover. I couldn't take chances. Not with Harry's life!

I summoned glasses and opened the bottle.

“Let's talk about what we can do to keep Harry save.”

They seemed to be surprised that I gave in.

“To Harry and the final defeat of Voldemort.”

“To Harry...”

They raised their glasses and drank as I planned. They were used to do what I tell them and still trusted me. I vanished the content of my glass unnoticed. It was done.

“We have made plans how to keep the secret when Harry..... if Harry comes here for summer. We think....” Sirius started to explain, but was interrupted by Severus who inspected his empty glass, still sticky with the residue of the mead and looked at my own, clean one.

“What have you put into our mead, Headmaster?”

“Dearmad ghrá, it was the only reasonable solution.” I expected an outburst from Sirius. I've underestimated him. He followed Severus' example, looked at the glasses and asked:

“What will it do to us, Sev?”

Severus' face had turned to stone as he calmly explained:

“ Dearmad ghrá means 'forget about love'. That's what it does. We will forget that we have ever loved each other and everything which happened because of our love.”

There's a moment of complete silence as Sirius tries to figure out what exactly that means. He balled his fists and Severus took hold of them again to keep him from.... an attack on me. Sirius ignored me. His eyes are set on Severus.

“There must be something we can do! Anything! You can brew an antidote, can't you?”

“Not in the time we have left. I won't remember what it is or why I am brewing it, before it's finished. There is nothing we can do. “

“A time turner then? There must be something! Severus, think! We can't be defeated by a Dark potion! How much time do we have?”

“You have till sunrise before the potion takes effect. Don't think me cruel. I have the antidote prepared. As soon as Voldemort is vanquished forever, I will return your memories.”

Sirius let out a bitter laugh.

“Don't expect a 'thank you', Dumbledore.”

They held hands like scared little boys, as if holding on to each other could stop the inevitable. For a fragment of a second I could see their thoughts.

Two teenage boys amidst of books and parchment, sharing their most secret thoughts and ideas of magic, pretending the world outside didn't matter. Their memories or mine? The image faded too quickly.

Sirius spoke again.

“Severus? The memory of our love will be erased? Nothing else will change, have I got that right? We will stay the same, just won't remember?”

Severus nodded and looked at him in confusion, because Sirius has started grinning.

“What mad idea has gotten in your head now, you stupid mutt?

Sirius now laughed out loud.

“Can't you see it? The crucial catch with most Dark Arts, they don't work as expected. We will stay the same! Magic has no power over true love. It cannot create it nor really destroy it. “

Still laughing he faced me. “The flaw in your plan. Do you have several barrels of that potion in your stores? You will need them. Nothing can stop us from falling in love again and again and again. We're not in love with our memories. I love Severus for who he is and your poison hasn't changed that. It may take us a few days or weeks to realize it, but we will love each other again.”

“Sirius, you are a fool. Dearmad ghrá is a powerful draught, ancient magic. Some say it's …. Dark.”

“I'm not a fool. I know I will always love you. All he can do is make me forget for a while that I do..... “

There was something ultimately thrilling about Sirius' laughter in dismissal of the power of the Dark Arts. He could almost make me believe he was right. He made Severus hope he was right.

Severus turned to me again.

“Headmaster, we would like to spend those last hours alone. I assure you I will leave before sunrise.” His words were calm and respectful, but in fact he was throwing me out. I let them have those last hours.... they didn't remember them.

I took a handful of Floo Powder to return to the Hog's Head. Sirius stopped me before I stepped into the fireplace.

“There's one more thing, a favour I think you owe us, Dumbledore. Give Remus a dose of your potion. He deserves to forget his fatal delusion and get the chance to find someone who really loves him. Will you do that?”

I nodded and left without a farewell from them.

When I saw them again everything had changed.

Severus was colder than ever, fully concentrated on his task as I had wished him to be.

Sirius had not started drinking again, but his eyes were dead. He listened to the bits of information concerning Harry and then stared into the fire for the rest of the meeting.

Remus tried to talk to his friend and gave up, when he didn't show any reaction.

Nymphadora took her chance to distract Remus.

The meeting was strangely quiet without Sirius and Severus arguing.

Sirius fell through the veil the following week. Remus gave me a full account of what happened. Severus showed no reaction at all to the news, but Remus had told me that he had tried to persuade Sirius to stay behind and Sirius had indeed listened to his arguments which everyone thought pretty weird. In the end Sirius had declared that he wouldn't let down his godson, when he was in danger and Severus had accepted that.

Do I regret what I have done? No, it was necessary. There's nothing more important than the fight against Voldemort and keeping Harry save for the last confrontation. Severus had been a broken man, if he knew what he has lost.

The images I've seen in Remus' mind sometimes haunt me at night, when Aberforth's cooking upsets my stomach. I see Sirius at the Ministry. He's laughing at Bellatrix Lestrange, but his eyes are still those of a man who has no reason to live.

I wake up to a desperate cry. “....do better, Bella!”


End file.
